


The Next Step

by kinksock22



Series: Until You [4]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alpha Jensen, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barebacking, Bottom Jared, Coming Untouched, Insecure Jared Padalecki, Knotting, Labor - Non graphic, M/M, Mates, Mating, Mating Bond, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Miscommunication, Mpreg, Omega Jared, RPS - Freeform, Rimming, Self-Lubrication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 20:21:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12991791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinksock22/pseuds/kinksock22
Summary: A few years have passed and things have settled down. While still not entirely happy about his biology, Jared has at least found some peace with it. All that changes though when his baby sister gives birth to her second child, reopening all those old worries, doubts and fears.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually originally written as two fics but I decided to just post them together as one long one.
> 
> Once again, I spent most of this fic pissed off and wanting to slap the hell out of Jared. But, that being said, in this series, Jared has some serious self-esteem and self-worth issues along with his fears and anxiety and I don’t feel like it would be true to him, or his struggle, for that it just instantly be fixed by the power of love. Jensen’s love and acceptance does help him but these issues are ones that run deep and that he needs to work through on his own, for himself. And that process can take years, a lifetime even. I worry he comes across wrong in most of this, that his struggle and his issues are sometimes overshadowed by his actions. It was pretty hard to accurately capture just how deep and overwhelming his issues are here. Hopefully, I haven’t failed too badly and he just ended up coming across as a complete jackass. And it was even harder to capture Jensen being supportive, loving, patient and accepting without making him look like a doormat.

They've been mated for five years when they reach the next hitch in their relationship. 

Things had settled down and Jared, while still not entirely happy about the fact that he's an omega, has found a way to deal with it better. His relationship with Jensen is everything he never thought he'd have or even want and he can say, despite a few rough patches over the years, that he's truly, honestly happy with Jensen. And of course Jensen is just as amazing and awesome as he's been since the beginning, always supporting Jared and accepting him just as he is. 

By this point, all of their friends and siblings have at least one child. But everything comes rushing back, threatening to drown Jared, when his little sister – the youngest of all them – has her second child. 

Jared loves his nieces and nephews and their friends' kids. But despite his gender – and his mother's not-so-subtle hinting and outright pushing at times – he's never felt the urge to do it himself. He's not bad with the kids in his life but it's just not something that he ever wanted, not something that he ever saw himself doing, even after things straightened out with Jensen. 

They're all gathered at Megan's house, passing the baby around and laughing as Megan watches everyone meet her new daughter, hands twitching nervously at her sides, obviously wanting to get the baby back in her hands but trying her best to let everyone else have a turn. 

Jared is leaning back against Jensen's chest, Jensen's arm around his shoulder, as he watches his momma coo at the baby, eyes wet with happy tears. Jensen sighs softly and presses a kiss to the back of Jared's neck. Jared's momma picks up the sound like only a mother can, eyes snapping up to them, zeroing in on Jensen. Jared can see it all happening, like a train wreck in slow motion, and he's powerless to stop it.

“Jensen, sweetheart,” his mom smiles. “You wanna hold her?”

Jensen tenses behind Jared and inhales sharply. Jared closes his eyes, every doubt and fear and insecurity rushing back. “No, thanks, Sherrie,” Jensen murmurs. 

“Seriously, it's okay,” she insists. Jared opens his eyes just in time to see her pushing out of her chair and heading their way, already holding the baby out toward Jensen. “She's your niece and I'm sure she'd love to meet you.”

Jensen makes a soft noise in the back of his throat when Sherrie pushes the baby into his arms, giving him no choice but to take her or risk dropping her. Jared can feel his cheeks heat, can feel the weight of everyone's stares and the urge to run and hide, an urge he hasn't felt in _years_ , comes back with a vengeance. He's got to get the fuck out of there, away from the silent accusations and disappointments. 

He pushes himself up and stumbles toward the door, ignoring the sound of everyone calling his name. Everyone aside from Jensen that is.

Jared isn't blind nor stupid. Jensen has done a hell of a job over the years hiding the fact that he wants a child, a family. But with every birth Jared can see the longing in Jensen's eyes, can feel it in their bond. They both just pretend that it isn't there. Jensen may have said years ago that he wasn't sure about kids but Jared knows that he has been keeping up that charade for Jared's benefit. 

Without thinking, Jared thunders down the stairs and takes off at a dead run, the only thought in his head the need to just _get away_. 

He hadn't had a plan or a destination in mind – just _away_ – but he's not really surprised when he finds himself outside Chad's apartment. Aside from Jensen, Chad is still his best friend and he's been there with Jared through all of it. If Chad's surprised to see him, he doesn't show it, just opens the door with a smile and ushers Jared inside.

The apartment is quiet and Jared looks around, brow furrowed in confusion. “Soph's at some playdate or some other shit,” Chad offers in explanation, leading Jared into the living room. “Beer?”

“God, yes, please,” Jared groans.

Chad chuckles and pops into the kitchen, returning quickly with two beers, handing one to Jared. “That bad?”

“You have no freakin' clue,” Jared mutters.

Chad takes a seat and grimaces slightly. “Actually, I kinda do,” he shrugs when Jared's gaze snaps to him. “Jensen called, man. He's worried.”

Jared should have expected that. Jensen knows him well enough to realize that Jared would end up here, even if Jared hadn't realized it himself at first. “Great,” Jared huffs, rolling his eyes. “So you know how much of an ass I made outta myself.” He drops his head into one hand. “My baby sister just had a baby and here I am, acting like a selfish ass, like the whole world revolves around me.”

“That's not the way Jensen told it,” Chad states matter-of-factly. “From what he said, your mom was gettin' ready to start again.”

“Of course she was,” Jared sighs and flops back against the back of the couch, taking a few long pulls from his beer. “You know how she is, dude. Doesn't matter how many freakin' kids Meg and Jeff give her, all she can focus on is the fact that I haven't given her any.” He shakes his head, brow furrowing. “Well, actually, all she can focus on is the fact that her _omega_ son hasn't given her any grandkids.” He sighs again and rolls his head along the back cushion so he can look at Chad. “I don't know what to do,” he damn-near whispers.

“Dude, I know you love your mom but it really isn't her business. It's between you and Jensen...”

“No, I know that,” Jared interrupts, frowning. “That's not really what I meant. Jensen... I know he wants kids,” Jared sighs, knocking back the rest of his beer. “I mean, we don't talk about it or anything, haven't in years, but I can see and feel it, especially every time someone we know has another one.” Chad echoes his sigh, chewing on his bottom lip, obviously thinking something but not sure how to say it, or if he even should. “What?” Jared asks softly. Chad glances up at him, one eyebrow crooked. “Dude, I know you,” Jared snorts. “I know when you got something to say. So just... Say it.” 

“Would it really be so bad?” Chad asks quietly, carefully. Jared blinks owlishly, lips opening and closing but no words making it out. “I mean, really, Jaybird. Would it be _that_ bad? You love Jensen and that dude is _obviously_ batshit crazy about you too.” Jared snorts. Isn't that the truth. He realized a long time ago that Jensen must love him more than he thought it possible for someone to love him, what with all the shit he's put his poor mate through, especially in the beginning. “And things are good with you two. Like really, sickeningly good. Would having a family really suck that bad? Are you really telling me that you've never thought about it? That you _never_ want to have a kid with Jensen?”

“I don't wanna...” Jared huffs and fiddles with the empty bottle in his hand, thumb picking at the label. Chad has known him for a long time, knows all of Jared's issues even if they both would probably rather he didn't know _that_ much about Jared's personal life and all his stupid hang-ups and insecurities. “The thought of doing it, of being pregnant and having a baby terrifies me, Chad,” he admits, hating how weak he sounds and feels. “The raising a family part isn't so bad. I mean, it worries me, sure. Like you said, things are good with me and Jen. What if a kid messes that up?” He shakes his head, holding up one hand when Chad opens his mouth. “No, I know. I get it. But like I said, that part isn't so bad. I think we'd be able to do it. But I can't... God, the thought of growing that kid inside me then having to push it out? Fuck, scary as hell.” Jared shudders, blinking rapidly. “I just... You know how much I hate what I am, what my body can do. I've gotten more comfortable over the years and I'm finally in a mostly good place. Being pregnant, going into labor... I can't. I've worked so hard to make sure _I_ have complete control. My body wouldn't be mine anymore.” He huffs and rolls his eyes. “Does that make sense?”

“Sorta, I guess,” Chad shrugs as he pushes off the couch and heads into the kitchen, coming back with two more beers. “But think about it this way. You didn't want a mate, swore you'd never let an alpha near you. Now, I can't even picture you without Jensen. You swore you'd never let yourself have heats again once you were old enough to gets the suppressants on your own. And as much as I wish I _didn't_ know this, I know you've been doin' that too.” He sighs and shrugs again. “After seein' Soph go through it twice, I can't tell you that you're wrong. Your body _won't_ be your own for a while. It'll change and do whatever it needs to for your baby. But I just... I think you can do it, Jare. More importantly, I think you'd make a great dad. You're so good with CJ and Abby, man.”

“It isn't hard to be good with other people's kids,” Jared snorts. “And like I said, it's not so much the having kids, it's the being pregnant and _having_ them.” Jared sighs again and drains his second beer. “And I know I'm being ridiculous and selfish. Jen has been so amazing, puttin' up with me all these years. And I'm keeping him from having that.”

“Man, you know that Jensen doesn't feel that way. Even if he does want kids, he loves you too much to try and push you into something he knows you don't want or aren't comfortable with.”

“Exactly,” Jared mutters. “He's so awesome, so selfless. And I'm an ass 'cause I can't even put myself out for nine short months when he's been doin' it for years.”

“I can't tell you what to do, Jay,” Chad sighs, frowning slightly. “I wish I had some magic answer to make it all easier on you, but I just don't. But I can tell you that the best thing you can do right now is talk to your mate.”

“Yeah,” Jared huffs out a soft chuckle. “That's definitely the one thing I've learned over the years.” He stands up and pulls Chad into a quick hug when he stands as well. “Thanks, man.”

“Yup,” Chad nods. “Anytime, you know that. Now, go talk to Jensen. Call me later.”

Jared nods and flashes Chad a smile before heading out. He takes his time walking home, thoughts running a million miles a minute. Jensen is sitting in the living room waiting for him when he gets there, his mate automatically glancing up and giving Jared a soft, loving, slightly sad smile.

“You okay?” Jensen asks softly.

Jared flops down next to Jensen on the couch, curling into Jensen's side when his mate slides an arm around his shoulders. He nuzzles under Jensen's jaw and closes his eyes, sighing softly. “Yeah,” he breathes. “But I'm sorry.”

“You don't...”

“No, Jen,” Jared interrupts gently, snuggling impossibly closer. “I _do_ need to apologize. I shouldn't'a run off like that. And for that, I'm sorry.”

Jensen tightens his arms around Jared and noses through his hair. “I was worried,” he admits quietly.

“I was with Chad.”

“I know,” Jensen chuckles softly. “'s why I called him before I freaked out.” He inhales deeply and kisses the top of Jared's head. “Wanna talk about it?” he asks carefully.

“Yeah, I do,” Jared mutters, surprising himself and Jensen alike. “Just. Not right now, okay? Can we just... Can we just do this? Just for now?”

“Of course, baby,” Jensen murmurs. “Whatever you want, whatever you need. You know that.”

Jared _does_ know that. It's why he feels so bad.

~~**~~

Jared sighs and cuddles closer to his mate's sleep-warm body, mind still whirling too fast to allow him to follow Jensen into sleep. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply, hoping that Jensen's warm, spicy scent will help calm him, even though it hadn't managed the other times he's tried in the last few hours. His body is pleasantly sore and sated, leaving all his muscles relaxed and pliant but he can't turn his thoughts – and worries – off, the always amazing, mind-blowing sex only managing to distract him for a while.

Jensen turns toward him, his arms tightening around Jared, lips brushing against Jared's temple. “You okay?” he murmurs sleepily.

“Yeah,” Jared sighs. “Sorry, didn't mean to wake you.”

“'s okay, you didn't,” Jensen replies easily. Jared snorts. “Okay, so you did but it's okay.” His lips slide down Jared's cheek, brushes against the corner of his lips. “Wanna talk about it yet?”

“It's after two in the mornin', Jen,” Jared mutters. “You have to be up for work in a few hours.”

“Doesn't matter, Jay. So I'll be a little tired. Listening to you, being here for you, that's more important.”

“I don't deserve you,” Jared blurts out, eyes adjusted enough to be able to make out Jensen's face in the dark of their bedroom.

Jensen smiles sadly and shakes his head. “Thought we talked about this years ago, Jared.”

“No, I know,” Jared huffs and flops onto his back, staring at the ceiling. “It was true back then and it's even more so now.”

“What's bringing all this back?”

“Can I ask you something and you promise to tell me the truth?” Jared whispers instead of answering.

“'course you can, Jare. You know that. You can ask me anything and you know damn-well that I'd never lie to you.”

“I know, Jen,” Jared breathes. He can feel the concern and confusion through their bond but deep down, he can tell that Jensen knows what's wrong, what he's been thinking about since he hauled ass out of his sister's house and on some level he even knows what Jared's going to ask. “Do you want kids?” Jared asks softly. 

“Jay...”

“Please, Jensen, just... Just answer? Yes or no.”

“It's not that easy, Jared,” Jensen sighs, shifting closer, leaning up on one arm so that he can look down at Jared. “It's not just a yes or no question and you know that.”

“Humor me,” Jared pleads quietly, locking eyes with his mate. “Don't... My issues aside, okay? Do you _want_ kids?” 

They both know the answer. Honestly, Jared doesn't really need to have Jensen say it but for some reason he needs to actually hear it. 

“Yes,” Jensen whispers.

Even though Jared _knew_ , hearing it still makes his heart slam against his ribs, that feeling of not being good enough, just not being enough period, threatening to overwhelm him.

Jensen palms Jared's cheek, keeping him from turning away, keeping their gazes locked together. “But,” he continues. “I promised you that was something we'd deal with together. _You_ don't want kids, I know that, I've known all along. And I also know it hasn't changed, so it isn't an issue.”

“But it _is_ an issue, Jensen,” Jared huffs, squeezing his eyes closed. “You want something that I can't give you...”

“We're not going through this again, Jared,” Jensen states firmly. “I love you. You're amazing and I'm lucky to have you. I don't need kids. But I do need you.” He dips down and brushes a kiss to Jared's lips. Jared reopens his eyes to find Jensen smiling softly at him. “It's okay, baby. Really.”

“It's not that I don't want kids, per se,” Jared mutters. “I just don't wanna be pregnant.” He inhales deeply, exhales slowly. “You know how much I hate my biology, that I hate what my body is capable of. It _terrifies_ me to think about losing control of my body, of actually getting pregnant and physically having the kid.” He huffs a sigh and wrinkles his nose. “It's not the actual having a kid thing, it's the _having_ it thing.” Jensen chuckles softly and tangles their legs together, his hand sliding down Jared's chest to his bare hip, fingers curling around the bone. “Don't laugh at me,” Jared pouts.

“Aw, baby, I'm not,” Jensen assures. “I'm just... It's a testament to just how well I know you that I even understood that statement.” Jared huffs again but he can't deny the warmth that curls low in his stomach. Jensen really does know him better than anyone.

“Yeah,” Jared agrees. He turns slightly on his side, pressing close to Jensen's chest, making sure that they're pressed together as much as possible, not wanting to be able to tell where Jensen ends and he begins. “So what do we do about this?” 

“What'd'ya mean?” Jensen frowns, shaking his head. “Nothin' to do. Just keep goin' the way we have.”

“I can't...” Jared sighs and wraps an arm around Jensen's waist, staring up into his mate's eyes. “I can't keep goin' like we have,” he whispers. “Not now. I mean, logically, I kinda pretty much knew how you felt but now it's out there and I can't pretend anymore that it isn't.”

“What I want more than anything is for you to be happy, Jared,” Jensen murmurs. “And the last damn thing I'd ever do is try to make you, or even talk you into, doing something that you don't wanna do.” He brushes a kiss to Jared's lips. “I... I can't say that I don't want a kid with you, because I refuse to lie to you. But more than wanting that, I just want you. It's not a problem, sweetheart. I promise it isn't.”

“It's a problem for me,” Jared argues weakly. “You've always been so amazing about dealing with my issues, Jen, about giving me what I want or need. What kind of mate am I if I can't do the same? You've _never_ been selfish with me. I've been selfish most of our relationship.”

“I don't think that way, Jare,” Jensen murmurs. “You've given me your heart. That means more than anything.”

“You made that pretty easy, Jen,” Jared breathes. “Despite how much it scared me.”

“I love you and I love our life. Believe me, baby, we're good.” Jensen dips down and kisses him again, slow and deep and breathtaking. Jared melts into Jensen's embrace, moaning softly in the back of his throat. “Please stop worrying?” Jensen begs quietly against his lips.

Jared hums in agreement and forces his mind to focus on nothing but Jensen's lips and his bare, warm skin. It's surprisingly easier than he thought it would be.

~~**~~

Despite their talk and Jensen's assurance that things were fine and Jensen continuing to act completely normal, Jared couldn't stop thinking about everything. Jensen might not see him as being selfish or as a bad mate but Jared can’t stop himself from feeling that way. And it has brought things back that he thought he'd put behind him years ago.

Weirdly enough, among all the other thoughts racing in his head, one of the most persistent is the fact that he isn’t sure if he can even _get_ pregnant if he finally somehow found the courage to try. With the birth control and the suppressants, he very well could have made himself infertile. It's almost laughable. All his worry about it and it might not even be an issue at all. 

Somehow, as the weeks pass, Jared finds himself actually contemplating at least trying. He could always stop the birth control and let nature do its thing. The thought still fills him with dread and fear but he is honestly, truly thinking about it in terms of possibilities for the first time in his life. He'd never really thought about it before. Once he'd found out he was an omega he just shut down and distanced himself from all that that meant. But over the past five years or so, he'd found himself doing a lot of things he once swore he'd never do. He swore he'd never mate, that he'd never bend over for an alpha, that he'd never willingly let himself have heats again. Finding Jensen, falling in love with him, had shook up his entire world in the best way possible and he found himself doing all the things he never wanted, never dreamed he would.

Maybe he could do that one more time.

He honestly can't believe that he's seriously entertaining the idea of getting pregnant. His head is such a mess, his thoughts scattered and _loud_ , he's not sure how the hell Jensen hasn't picked up on it through their bond. He's sure that his mate wouldn't pretend not to know like Jared had for so long. 

He finds himself at his sister's house a month after he ran out on her. She smiles when she sees him and throws her arms around his shoulders, going up on her toes to hug him and kiss his cheek. They haven't talked at all in the past month and he can admit that he missed her. 

They settle down on the couch, his newest niece asleep in a portable crib next to them. Megan is watching him, eyes soft and sympathetic. “'m sorry 'bout what happened,” he eventually mutters.

“Don't worry 'bout it, JT,” she sighs, waving a hand at him. “Momma... She can be...”

“Pushy?” Jared fills in when she falters.

Megan snorts out a laugh and shakes her head. “Yeah, but I was tryin' to find a better way of sayin' that. She honestly didn't mean to _upset_ you, or Jensen. She was just... being momma,” she finishes, shrugging one shoulder. 

“I know,” Jared huffs. “She's just always been harder on me about things than she was with you and Jeff. I'm almost thirty, Megs. I just... I wish she didn't put so much into me bein' an omega.”

“I think it's 'cause she's one too,” Megan replies carefully. “And you've fought it so hard. I mean, it's no real excuse but I think she just pushes and tries so hard 'cause she saw how miserable it's always made you.”

“But that just makes it worse,” Jared sighs. He's more than a little aware that he sounds like a whiny brat at the moment. “Her pushing and all that just... I _know_ I'm different and she _treats_ me different... I just wish I could be her son, not her _omega_ son, ya know?”

“I get it, JT,” she smiles sadly, leaning against his shoulder. Jared wraps his arm around her and smiles against the top of her head. “I'm sorry she does that.”

“I'm thinkin' about having a baby,” Jared blurts out, voice low and strained. Megan squeaks and tries to pull away but Jared tightens his arm around her keeping her still despite her wiggling. He doesn't understand it but he can't look at her and say what he wants, needs, to say. “It scares the hell outta me still and I'm just not really sure if it's something I actually want, but I am thinking about it.” He sighs softly and closes his eyes, noses through her hair, her soft, warm scent familiar and soothing. “Jensen wants kids,” he whispers. “How can I justify being so selfish when he's been nothing but amazing?”

Megan squirms harder and manages to finally wiggle free enough to look up at him. “Jensen loves you,” she states.

“I know,” Jared huffs. “That's not really the issue. Or the point.”

“No, I think it is.” Jared frowns, brow furrowed. “Jensen may want a family but he'd never push for it...”

“Yeah, 'cause he's a freakin' saint,” Jared interrupts with a snort.

“No... Well yeah, he totally is,” Megan chuckles softly, nose wrinkling slightly. “It's kind of annoying how perfect he is. But that isn't my point. He'd never push 'cause he loves you that much.”

“I know,” Jared repeats. “That's pretty much the same thing Chad said and almost exactly the same thing Jensen said.”

“But,” Megan cuts in, glaring slightly, “He wants a family with you because he loves you.”

“That isn't helpful at all, Meggie,” Jared whines. “I know all this.”

“The point,” she goes on, ignoring Jared completely, “is that you shouldn't do anything you aren't completely sure of, no matter what Jensen wants. He wouldn't want that.”

“You're right,” he sighs. “I know he wouldn't.” She leans against his side again, head leaning on his shoulder. “How bad is it really?” Jared asks quietly after a few moments of silence.

“Hm?” Megan hums in question.

“The whole... pregnancy and having a baby thing?”

“The being pregnant part can suck at times,” she answers honestly. “And labor is _really_ sucky, I won't lie. But...” she sighs softly, happily and turns her head toward the still peacefully sleeping baby. “At the risk of sounding like the worst kind of cliché, it's totally worth it, Jare.”

Jared turns his attention to his niece as well, smiling softly despite his still churning thoughts and emotions. “She really is perfect, Meggie,” he whispers.

To his surprise, his sister pulls away and stoops down, picks up the sleeping girl. She grins as she places her in Jared's arms, much like his mother had done to Jensen, giving him no choice but to take her to keep from dropping her. He's held children before – all their friends and siblings have them, there's no way he could have avoided it – but never one quite so small. And not while he's having a pretty huge crisis. His eyes widen and he glances up at Megan quickly, ready to demand that she take the baby back, but then his niece makes a soft, whimpery noise and turns her head, snuggling against his chest, and he drops his gaze back to her, melting like a cliché at her slight weight in his arms, against his chest. She's small and delicate and he feels huge and clumsy – even more than usual – and terrified that he's going to do _something_ wrong and hurt her somehow.

“She loves her uncle Jay already.” 

Jared glances up at Megan again, rolling his eyes at the big, goofy grin and the huge, expressive Disney princess eyes from his sister. The baby wiggles a bit and lets out another whiny, puppy-like noise and Jared looks down, sucking in a startled breath when he sees her eyes open, cupid-bow lips parting. 

It's not an instant fix – he's still all jumbled up inside – but it sort of settles something inside him. The baby lets out a sharp cry and Megan swoops in, expertly cradling her daughter in her arms, flashing Jared an apologetic smile. “She's hungry,” she explains, shrugging one shoulder. “You wanna hang out for a while and wait or...” she trails off, looking at him expectantly as she bounces the baby and swings slightly back and forth.

“No,” Jared smiles, shaking his head as he gets up. He drops on kiss on the top of Megan's head then the baby's forehead. “I'll see myself out.”

“Good luck, JT.” She grins like she knows something he doesn't – typical younger sibling look – as she settles back onto the couch. “Call me later. Love you.”

“Love you, too, brat,” Jared mutters.

~~**~~

He doesn't really realize that he plans to do it but Jared stops taking his birth control a week after visiting Megan. 

He hasn't talked to Jensen, still hasn't completely gotten on board with the whole thing, and he definitely hasn't visited a doctor, but he figures that he'll just wait for his next heat and let nature take its course. 

There are still a few months until he really has to worry about his heat and whether it'll be a fertile one – if he hasn't messed up his system that is – so he focuses on trying his best to act as normal as possible. Logically he knows that he should probably talk all this over with Jensen but he can't bring himself to, not yet anyway. He's still wrestling with his decision in his own mind, hearing Jensen tell him yet again that this is something he doesn't have to do won't help in the slightest. Surprising his mate with his heats worked out okay, so hopefully this will as well. 

Over the past nearly four years, they've gotten the timing down for Jared's heats. They both take the week off work and Jensen makes damn-well sure that he's there as soon as the symptoms start. Many times Jensen's sensed it before Jared even realized it was coming on.

A little over two months after stopping the birth control, Jared wakes up early one morning, skin warmer than usual and a little itchy, stomach cramping slightly. Jensen is plastered against his back, one arm around his waist, hand splayed over his abs, breath warm and moist against the back of his neck. Jared blinks slowly until his vision focuses enough for him to see the clock, groaning almost silently when he notices that it's stupidly early. The room is dim in the predawn light and Jared's still kind of tired, his restless night of sleep making more sense now with the onset of his heat.

Jensen makes a soft noise in the back of his throat and tightens his arm around Jared, lips brushing against the nape of his neck. Jared's lips part around a nearly silent moan, his cock twitching, his hole already starting to leak. Suddenly, not telling Jensen about the possibility of this ending up with him pregnant doesn't seem like the best of ideas.

Jensen's hand slides down, thick, clever fingers teasing through the hair below Jared's belly button, lips pressing more firmly against the back of his neck, the curve of his shoulder. Jensen's cock is already mostly hard and pressing into the meat of Jared's ass, just the slightest shift of Jensen's hips leaving his thick length rubbing along the cleft.

“Jensen,” Jared gasps, turning his head to look at his mate over his shoulder.

Jensen's eyes are barely open, his poor mate obviously still mostly asleep. “Shh, it's okay, sweetheart,” he murmurs, voice low and rough with sleep and arousal and Jared's whole body trembles with the sound. “'m right here.”

Jensen's fingers slide down, teasing at Jared's steadily hardening cock, as his hips rock forward, sweat and Jared's slick easing the slide, Jensen's length teasing maddeningly over his rim. Jared closes his eyes and presses back against his mate, the needs of his body momentarily overriding his brain. Then another cramp seizes him, low in his stomach, and brings him back out of the haze starting to cloud his thinking. “Jen, babe, wait,” Jared begs. “Please?”

He has just a moment to mourn the loss of Jensen's warmth and strength when his mate moves back then strong hands turn him onto his back, green eyes dark and concerned staring down at him. “What's wrong?” Jensen demands, frowning slightly.

Jared opens his lips then snaps them closed, stares helplessly up at his mate. He knows what he wants to say, what he _needs_ to say, but he just can't find the words. Honestly he isn't even sure if he could find his voice even if he _could_ get the words out. His brow furrows and he shakes his head, bites down on his bottom lip. 

“Baby, seriously, you're kinda freaking me out here,” Jensen murmurs. “Your emotions are all over the place.” He reaches up and palms Jared's cheek, thumb gently pulling his lip free, carefully sliding over the tender flesh. “Are you okay? Talk to me.”

Jared closes his eyes and inhales deeply, exhales shakily. He can feel the haze of the heat creeping up on him, knows that within a few mere minutes he won't be coherent enough to make sense, to even talk outside begging Jensen to help him. “I stopped my birth control two months ago,” he eventually blurts out.

Jensen goes completely still beside him. Jared's not even entirely sure that his mate is even _breathing_ at the moment. “What?” Jensen asks after a few eternity-long moments of silence, his voice devoid of any emotion.

Jared's still with it enough to realize that he can't feel _anything_ from Jensen's side of their bond. It hurts to realize that Jensen is blocking him so completely. He forces his eyes open and looks up at Jensen. He's never seen the look on his mate's face that he's seeing now. Fear and confusion swamp him, mixing with the effects of his heat, leaving him feeling even more off-center than usual, torn between running away and clinging to Jensen, unsure for probably the first time in their entire relationship whether or not Jensen even wants him near. “Jen...” he whispers, throat tight, tears stinging his eyes.

“What did you say?” Jensen asks again, tone still a frightening mix of emotionless and foreign.

“I stopped my birth control two months ago,” Jared forces himself to repeat, trying to control the emotion in his own tone, the emotions flowing through his side of the bond.

“Why?”

“You know why,” Jared whispers.

Jensen's jaw clenches and he shakes his head, pulling away and sitting up. He's still close enough to feel the warmth of his skin but Jared still wants to cry at the withdraw. As much as he fought it before he met Jensen he _needs_ his mate's touch. “No, I really don't know why,” Jensen replies, tone flat. “And I really don't know why you didn't tell me before now. Or before you even decided to stop.”

“It just... It was more of a whim really,” Jared mutters, cringing slightly when Jensen's gaze snaps to him. “I've been thinking about it since the night I ran outta Meg's.” He pauses, swallows thickly, stomach cramping harder, sweat breaking out across his whole body. He can smell Jensen, so warm and spicy and familiar, and it just makes things a million times worse. If Jensen is going to leave, if he's going to have to suffer this heat on his own, he needs to do it soon. Jared won't be able to resist much longer. “And I just stopped takin' 'em one day... Kinda figured we'd let nature take its course.”

“Let nature take its course,” Jensen repeats, shaking his head again, eyes narrowing slightly. “For something you don't even freakin' want, Jared!”

“I changed my mind!” Jared cries out. He snaps his lips closed, realizing after the words are out what he even said and how much he actually realizes that he means it. He blinks owlishly, a few tears breaking free to trickle down his cheeks. “It still scares me, Jen,” he admits, barely above a whisper. “But I changed my mind.” It's almost harder saying it again. But despite the fear that he's completely fucked up his relationship something settles deep in his stomach, leaving him feeling almost peaceful.

“And you didn't think it was something we should'a talked about?” Jensen asks softly.

“I don't even know if... I may not even be able to get pregnant,” Jared mutters. His body is still in the beginning throes of his heat, his cock hard and hole leaking, and he feels ridiculous. Reaching out, he grabs the sheet and pulls it up, despite the heat pouring off his entire body. “I didn't wanna disappoint you yet again if we talked about it and nothin' happens.”

Jensen's shoulders slump and suddenly Jared is hit with all his mate's emotions, Jensen's side of the bond opening full force. He gasps and squeezes his eyes closed, the haze in his brain leaving him unable to tell the difference between his own emotions and thoughts and Jensen's. Rolling onto his side, he curls up as best as he can, body trembling with the overload. Jensen curls around his back, arms tight around him, kissing his shoulder and neck almost desperately. “Easy, baby,” he murmurs, pulling back on his emotions, letting Jared actually catch a shaky breath. “'m sorry, Jared. Just breath, okay? I'm sorry.” 

“Me too,” Jared rasps.

“You've never disappointed me, Jay,” Jensen eventually whispers against his temple, lips dragging over his sweat-slick skin. “Not once. I just wish you would've talked to me about this.”

Jared tenses, eyes snapping open. “I thought you wanted this?”

“That's not what I mean and you know it,” Jensen replies quietly. Jensen must feel the doubt that Jared can't hide. “You know that I do,” he murmurs, lips sliding down the side of his face. “I just didn't know you'd changed your mind.”

“Honestly, I didn't really know that I _truly_ had until I said that.” Jared tries to continue, tries to find a way to explain to Jensen, but unfortunately the borrowed time he's been working with swiftly runs out. A sharp cramp twists his stomach and a violent shudder moves through his whole body. His mind instantly goes hazy and he groans, one shaky hand reaching back to grip Jensen's thigh, fingers digging into the muscle hard enough to bruise. “Fuck,” he hisses, squeezing his eyes closed tight again. His scent spikes, cock hard and throbbing, hole sopping wet and achingly empty.

“Jay?” Jensen's voice sounds muffled and far away even though Jared can feel the press of his mate's skin against his back.

“I know you're angry,” Jared manages to whisper. “And you have every right to be. But can we... Jen, I can't... I need you. _Please_? Help me?” Tears once again creep slowly down his flushed cheeks, fear that Jensen is going to leave him like this entwining with the unforgiving drive of his heat. “Please?” he breathes brokenly. “Need you so much. Don't leave me.”

“Never,” Jensen growls, his arm tightening around Jared's waist. The sound tears a tortured moan from Jared's throat, his own scent thickening enough to almost make him gag.

Jensen's teeth scrape over his mating scar and Jared cries out, mindlessly rutting his hips back against Jensen's. Jensen slips a hand between them and lines his cock up, pushing into Jared's unresisting entrance in one hard thrust, tearing a ragged scream from Jared. So lost in his own mind and the agony of his body, he hadn't even realized Jensen was hard, hadn't smelled the scent of his arousal. Now he's aware of it though and the warm, spicy scent is nearly overwhelming, leaving him panting and writhing against his mate.

Jensen pushes against him, alpha strength easily overpowering Jared to turn him onto his stomach. Firm, strong hands grab his hips and haul him to his knees, chest still pressed against the mattress as Jensen set a fast, nearly brutal pace.

“Never gonna leave you,” Jensen grits out, each word emphasized by the slam of his hips, cock pushing in deep enough to almost hurt. Jared cries out weakly and pushes back, wordlessly begging for more.

He can feel every inch of Jensen's thick length as he pulls almost all the way out then slams back in, hard and even deeper, hitting his prostate perfectly. Jared moans hoarsely, fingers clenching in the messy sheets, fresh pulses of slick leaking out around Jensen with each thrust, the wet sound loud even over Jared's harsh panting and Jensen's occasional growl.

Jared mewls pitifully when Jensen drapes himself over his back, the long, powerful rolls of his hips giving way to shorter snaps, still hard and deep. He can feel the beginning of Jensen's knot tugging at his rim, the slight tug when he pulls back, the slight burning stretch when he pushes back in making Jared's head spin.

“Jen,” he whimpers, eyes still squeezed closed.

“Right here, baby,” Jensen rasps. “Always right here. Not goin' anywhere.” Jensen scrapes his teeth over Jared's scar again then bites down harder, almost rebreaking the skin. Jared cries out and drops his head, whole body trembling, right on the edge of release. Jensen licks over the slight ache and nuzzles under the hinge of Jared's jaw. “I love you,” he whispers against Jared's ear.

Like the cliché he has apparently turned into the past few months, those words spend Jared over the edge. He opens his mouth on a silent scream, body trembling and shaking as his cock twitches almost painfully, completely untouched, his inner muscles clenching down around Jensen like a vice.

Jensen grunts and pushes forward, as deep as possible, and grinds his hips against Jared, knot swelling the rest of the way inside him, tying them together. He's just barely coherent enough to hear Jensen's low moan and feel his cock jerk as he comes as well. Soft, wet lips press against his shoulder and the world twists and spins, a soft sigh escaping as darkness crashes down over him. 

Jared blinks his eyes open slowly, confused for a moment. The room is lighter than the last time he woke up but he can tell it's still early. He's on his side, Jensen pressed firmly against his back. A weak cramp in his stomach brings everything rushing back and he sits up quickly, darting a gaze at his mate. Jensen's asleep, sheet doing very little to hide his naked body. A low thrum of want curls inside Jared, calm and peaceful for the moment so he just lets it linger, taking the quiet moments he has to just enjoy the feeling as he looks at his mate.

He carefully lays back down on his side facing Jensen, not wanting to risk waking Jensen just yet. There's the remnants of dried sweat, come, and slick all over both of them which means Jensen must have passed out before they untied as well.

Despite Jared being completely still and quiet, it doesn't take long before Jensen's eyes snap open, trapping Jared in that intense emerald gaze. Jensen reaches out instantly and pulls Jared into his arms, kissing him fast and dirty, bordering on desperate. Jared brings a hand up to cup Jensen's cheek, trying to slow him down, to gentle the kiss a bit but Jensen just growls and bites his bottom lip before kissing him harder.

“Scared the fuck outta me,” Jensen grits out against his lips, nipping and sucking at the tender flesh. Jared tries to ask why or what but Jensen won't let up. He settles for making a confused noise in the back of his throat. “Wouldn't wake up,” Jensen mutters in explanation. He finally pulls back completely, one hand tangled in Jared's hair keeping him in place. “We were tied together and I couldn't do anything... Took a while to realize you'd just passed out from... everything.”

“'m sorry, Jen,” Jared rasps, throat raw and dry. “Didn't mean to scare you.”

Jensen gently rolls him over onto his back, pressing close to his side, fingers carding through the messy strands of Jared's hair. “It's okay, sweetheart,” Jensen murmurs, dipping down to kiss Jared again, slow and sweet but still just as passionate. “You sure you wanna do this?” he asks softly when he pulls away again.

“Kinda a little late to second guess it,” Jared mutters, shrugging one shoulder.

Jensen smiles and rolls his eyes fondly. “Okay, true,” he concedes. “But if it doesn't work this time...” he trails off, both eyebrows raised.

“Yeah,” Jared breathes, a slow smile curling his lips up as well. “Yeah, I'm sure. I, uh, it still scares the hell out of me and I can't promise I'll be the easiest pregnant person to deal with. But yeah, I really do.”

Jensen wiggles impossibly closer, their legs tangling together, one hand sliding down Jared's side, over his hip. The soft, lazy thrum of need flares, the next wave of his heat spiking and Jared moans, tilts his head up, nuzzling under Jensen's jaw. Jensen's hand moves down, palming the steadily hardening length of Jared's cock. Jared mouths wetly at Jensen's fluttering pulse, inhales deeply, the scent of his mate's arousal making him moan again. 

Jensen dips his head and brushes a kiss to the corner of Jared's lips. Jared turns toward him, their lips sliding together, the kiss instantly deepening. Jared's whole body pulses with need and want, cock hardening fully, hole wet and open. “Jensen,” he breathes into the kiss, trying to push impossibly closer. “Need you.”

“Right here, baby,” Jensen murmurs, moving between Jared's spread legs, his equally hard cock pressing against Jared's, making them both moan. Wet lips slide down Jared's jaw and Jared tilts his head back, Jensen kissing and nipping at Jared's throat, down his chest, stopping to tease his nipples before slipping down further until he reaches Jared's hip, teeth scraping over the bone. Jared gasps and arches his back, legs automatically opening wider. Jensen glances up at him, their eyes locking. “Gonna take care'a you,” he whispers.

Jared's lips part around harsh, panting breaths, unable to look away as Jensen drops his head and mouths at Jared's balls. His mate gently pushes his legs open just a little more and dips down further, licking over his entrance, moaning deeply against the wet skin, the sound vibrating through Jared's entire body. His eyes slam closed and his head presses back into the pillow, neck arching as Jensen pushes deeper between the cheeks of his ass, tongue swirling around his hole. He lifts his legs and drapes them over Jensen's broad shoulders, trying desperately to open himself more, to get Jensen closer.

“Fuck, Jen,” Jared groans, fingers curling into the messy sheets, twisting his hips, pushing down against Jensen, fresh pre-come oozing from his twitching, aching cock. “Feels so good, babe.”

Jensen hums and pulls away, nipping at the inside of Jared's thigh. “Love the way you taste,” he rasps, one hand moving down, fingers teasing around his rim, sliding through his slick, slowly pushing them inside. Jared forces his eyes to reopen and looks down at Jensen again, biting down on his bottom lip as Jensen twists his fingers, rubbing over his sweet spot. Eyes still locked together, Jensen dips down again and sucks a bruise into the crease of his thigh, turns his head enough to mouth at Jared's cock, tongue dragging up the underside of his straining length, over the tip. “Gonna make you come, just like this,” he twists his wrist and pushes his fingers in deeper, rubbing insistently over his prostate, “then get you hard again, fuck you so good.” Jared chokes on a broken moan, inner muscles clenching and fluttering around Jensen's thick fingers. “Like the sound'a that?” 

“God, Jensen, please,” Jared pleads breathlessly, arching his back, grinding his hips down against Jensen's fingers.

Jensen doesn't keep him waiting long. He drops his head again and licks around his fingers, pushing inside with them, pulling back to lave over his rim, fingers in constant motion. Jared's whole body is trembling, lust and heat riding him hard, already so close to coming. “Fuck,” he moans. “Gonna... Jen, gonna come...”

Jensen slides his lips and tongue up over Jared's balls, sucking them into his mouth, tongue dragging over the seam, then slides up the underside of his cock, lips slipping over the head. He swallows Jared down easily, taking him as deep as possible, tip hitting the back of his throat. His fingers press harder against Jared's prostate, milking the swollen gland as he bobs his head, hollowing his cheeks, tip of his tongue dipping into the slit before sliding back down his shaft, surrounding him in perfect, wet heat. Jared cries out hoarsely as his orgasm slams into him almost violently, body shaking, head thrashing on the pillow. Jensen works him through it, fingers gently thrusting and keeping pressure on his sweet spot, swallowing everything Jared has to give, not pulling away until Jared grows soft and mewls softly, the touch too much on oversensitive skin.

Jensen crawls up the mattress and settles down at Jared's side, their legs once again tangling together, Jensen's cock pressing against his hip, hot, hard and leaking, his warm, spicy scent leaving Jared dizzy. He moans weakly when his own cock twitches feebly, his heat and his need for Jensen not really caring about recovery time. 

Jensen curls one hand around Jared's hip and dips down, brushing a kiss to Jared's lips. He's sure that Jensen means to keep it chaste but Jared reaches up and grips the back of Jensen's neck, keeping him still as he deepens the kiss, chasing his own taste on his mate's tongue. His heart is still pounding, his chest still heaving, lungs working overtime, but kissing Jensen, tasting his release and slick mixing with the unique, addictive taste of his mate is much more important than catching his breath at the moment. 

He twists his hips just slightly, pressing harder against Jensen's thick length and Jensen moans into the kiss, pulling away after a few long moments, staring down at Jared with dark, stormy-green, lust-blown eyes. Keeping the eye contact, Jared slips a hand between them, palming Jensen's heavy balls, gently but firmly flexing his fingers. Jensen groans and rolls his hips forward, his fingers digging into the sensitive skin stretched taut over Jared's hipbone. Despite the amazing orgasm, Jared's still pulsing with want and need, Jensen's scent and obvious arousal fueling his own.

“Fuck me,” he blurts out, sliding his hand up, fingers teasing at the loose skin at the base of Jensen's cock where his knot will swell. “Want you. _Need_ you.” He lifts his head and bites down hard on Jensen's bottom lip, tugging a bit as he pulls back. “Knot me.” He inhales deeply and tightens his fingers around Jensen's cock, dragging his fist up slowly, sliding his thumb over the leaking tip. “ _Breed me_ ,” he whispers, eyes widening slightly, surprising himself – as much as Jensen if the look on his face is any indication – by the words, by the knowledge that he truly, honestly means it, _wants_ it.

Jensen growls low in his throat – the sound pure alpha and Jared shivers, cock twitching eagerly – and surges forward, pressing Jared fully onto his back and settling between his legs again, reaching down long enough to blindly line himself up, eyes darkening even more as he slams forward, gaze laser-locked on Jared's. “Jesus _fuck_ ,” Jensen grits out, tone low and deep, silk over gravel, muscle twitching as he clenches his jaw, whole body nearly vibrating with the need to move.

Jared mewls and wraps his arms and legs around his mate, muscles flexing, urging him to _move_ , sacrificing speed and power for close and deep for the moment. Jensen inhales deeply and blinks slowly, visibly struggling to maintain his control. Jared doesn't want him controlled. Jared wants him as needy as he feels, wants him strong and powerful and unrestrained. “Jen,” he whispers, clenching his inner muscles around Jensen's thick cock, rolling his hips up. “Move, babe, please?”

Jensen doesn't hesitate. He grinds forward – _hard_ – pushing in as deep as possible, hips angled perfectly to rub against Jared's still overly sensitive prostate. Jared arches his back and raises his hips, rocking up against Jensen as best as he can. Jensen slides his arms beneath Jared's back, fingers curling over the tops of his shoulders, their faces mere inches apart, eyes locked together. They're as physically close as possible, chests pressed tight together, wrapped around each other enough that Jared's even having trouble telling where he ends and Jensen begins.

“Feel so good, baby,” Jensen murmurs, nuzzling their noses together, warm, moist breath hitting Jared's tingling lips and making him shiver. He moans in agreement and tightens his legs around Jensen's hips, fingernails digging into the flexing muscles of Jensen's back. “Always so fuckin' amazing, Jay.” Jensen dips his head and slides his lips across Jared's, the barest hint of a kiss. “Love you so much,” he whispers against Jared's lips, tilting his head to deepen the kiss when Jared opens his lips to respond, the kiss slow and deep and mind-blowing.

Jensen's pace slows down, still grinding in deep, but his hips barely moving, the sensation maddening yet unbearably good, the sweetest torture, keeping Jared somewhere between too much and not enough, this round the polar opposite of the one before. Jared's inner muscles flutter, a fresh pulse of slick leaking out around Jensen's cock, messing them both up even more, everything sticky and wet and filthy-dirty in the best possible way, and Jared lets out a low, strangled moan into the wet slide of their lips and tongues, short nails raking down Jensen's back. It's so achingly good and Jared could spend _hours_ slowly rocking together like this, as close as they can be to each other, wrapped together without a single care in the world aside from the feel of skin against skin and the undeniable pleasure that always sparks between them like wild fire. But his heat spikes harder than before, that deep, aching emptiness in the pit of his stomach as it twists with a cramp, his cock _throbbing_ and his hole clenching tight around Jensen's shaft. His scent thickens even more, cloying and sickly-sweet and Jensen pulls away from the kiss with a gasp, eyes so dark there's barely any of that beautiful emerald-green visible.

Jared clings to his mate desperately, trying to rock his hips up harder and faster, wanting – _needing_ – more. “Fuck, Jensen, _please_...” Jared whimpers.

“What, Jay? What's wrong?” Jensen asks, husky voice edged with concern, hips stopping. Which is the absolute _last_ thing Jared wants.

He squeezes his eyes closed, voice trembling as bad as his body. “More. Need more...”

Jensen brushes a kiss to his forehead, his lips. “Okay,” he breathes. Jared whines pitifully when Jensen untangles himself from Jared's hold, his mate kissing him again in apology. “Sorry, baby. Can't give you what you need like this. Gotta move for a minute, okay?” Jared makes a soft noise of agreement and forces his eyes to reopen, blinking helplessly up at Jensen. “Turn over for me?”

When Jensen moves back enough to let him, Jared scrambles over onto his knees, at the moment completely unable to feel the bite of shame and vulnerability the position still makes him feel, even after all this time. Jensen grabs his hips and pushes back into him, both of them groaning. Once he's buried to the hilt, Jensen leans over, lips brushing Jared's ear, hands sliding around his ribs, palms splayed flat against his chest. “Sit back, baby,” he instructs softly, nipping at Jared's earlobe.

Jensen moves with him, sitting up so that Jared's in his lap, legs spread wide over Jensen's, his mate's chest pressed firmly against his back, both arms still wrapped around him. The position pushes Jensen just the slightest bit deeper and Jared mewls, head falling back against Jensen's shoulder. Jensen scrapes his teeth over the crook of Jared's neck, biting and sucking at the sensitive, sweat-slick flesh. Jared writhes against him, Jensen's cock rubbing perfectly against his inner walls. “Grab the headboard,” Jensen murmurs against the hinge of his jaw. Jared reaches out and curls his fingers over the top of the wood, gripping white-knuckle tight and Jensen hums in approval. “That's it,” he damn-near purrs, dragging his teeth and tongue over Jared's scar, “Now move. Ride me, take what you need.”

Jared doesn't need to be told twice.

He lifts up, thighs and hips flexing, and drops back down, hard and fast, burying Jensen deep again. A moan tears from his throat and he does it again, and again, falling into a rhythm, mindlessly following the demands of his body as he essentially bounces on his mate's hard length, stopping to grind down with a dirty roll of his hips every third or fourth thrust. Jensen's hips snap up to meet his, following Jared's lead easily – with all the bumps in their relationship, which Jared can admit were mostly all his fault, this is the one thing that they've never had trouble with, the one thing they've always been good at, that they've always been on the same page about – hands in constant motion, sliding down his sides, his hips, the crease of his groin, the inside of his thighs. It's so _fucking_ good, Jared's whole body vibrating with pleasure and by the sound of Jensen's moans, how hard he is, he's positive his mate feels the same.

His thighs are starting to burn and tremble from the exertion, knows he won't be able to keep the pace much longer. Jensen grabs his hips and pushes him forward toward the headboard, more up onto his knees – bless his mate for knowing him, knowing what he needs, so damn well – and lifts up onto his own knees, taking over control, thrusting into Jared with quick, nearly brutal snaps of his hips. 

“Fuck,” Jared gasps, voice strangled and hoarse. “ _Fuck_... Right there, babe...” Jensen is hitting his sweet spot dead on, his steadily expanding knot pulling at Jared's rim, the slight burn and stretch just making it all that much better. “Close,” he pants, eyes squeezing closed, every over-strained muscle in his body tensing as he rushes head-long toward climax.

“Me too,” Jensen growls, the sound making Jared whimper. He pushes in deep – so fucking _deep_ , God – and grinds forward, circling his hips and reaches around Jared, strong hand gripping his cock, smearing through the pre-come and sliding down his shaft. His knot swells the rest of the way quickly and Jared cries out when it catches, tying them together, his orgasm crashing over him like a tidal wave. Jensen groans and churns his hips and through the haze of his own release, Jared feels his mate come as well, Jensen's teeth clamping down on the meat of his shoulder as he works them through it.

They're both still panting, moaning softly through the shivery aftershocks when Jensen kisses the spot that he bit – no doubt leaving a hell of a bruise – and slides his arms around Jared's waist, nuzzling the back of his neck. “Scoot back with me, okay?” Jensen murmurs, voice low and rough.

Jared has just enough energy left to hum in agreement and wiggle backward, Jensen keeping his hips tucked tight against him as they move back enough to lay down on their sides. Jensen keeps one arm around his waist, the other sliding under his neck, palm pressing against his heart, lips brushing his ear when he whispers, “Rest, baby.”

Jared smiles tiredly and tips his head back against Jensen's shoulder, falling asleep within seconds.

~~**~~

When Jared wakes for the third time the room is bathed in the bright light of afternoon. Jensen is sprawled next to him on his back, sleeping soundly. Jared turns toward him and settles against his side, sighing softly, happily, his eyes fluttering closed again. He can tell that Jensen cleaned them both up this time but he still feels a little sticky and gross; they both could definitely use a shower. Only there's really no sense at the moment, he can already feel the heat cresting again, knows it's just a matter of minutes until he's lost in the haze again, dragging Jensen with him.

He reopens his eyes and silently watches Jensen sleep for a few moments, his gaze moving over the dark smudge of Jensen's lashes against his freckled cheeks, his plump lips parted slightly, the strong curve of his jaw, the line of his throat and the rise of his collarbones, down his strong, broad chest to his flat belly and lightly defined abs, narrow hips, thick thighs, the adorable bow of his legs. He slowly drags his eyes back to his mate's groin, his thick cock half-hard already, even in sleep – probably can scent the sweetness of Jared's slick and his body is responding automatically – the loose skin at the base and the heavy swell of his balls. His mate is so beautiful, gorgeous in a way that almost hurts to look at. But the absolute best part is that his huge, generous heart is just as Goddamn beautiful as the outside, maybe more so. He's thought it before and will continue to think it until his very last breath; he's the luckiest person in the whole fucking world to have this man want him, to have him love Jared back just as fiercely. 

Jared shifts his hips slightly, can already feel his slick leaking down the cleft of his ass, wetting the very top of his thighs. The waves of his heat are getting stronger instead of easier and idly he wonders if his body _knows_ , if the heat is more intense because of the lack of birth control, because of what they're trying to accomplish and his body is reacting to that.

Jensen makes a soft noise in his throat, lips smacking together adorably, and Jared knows he'll be waking up soon. He carefully crawls into Jensen's lap, his already hard cock rubbing against Jensen's belly as he leans forward, brushing a petal-soft kiss to those sinful lips. Jensen moans quietly, eyes slowly fluttering open and locking with Jared's automatically, a smile instantly curling up the corner of his lips and crinkling the corners of his eyes, hands gently gripping Jared's hips.

“Hi,” Jared whispers.

“Hi yourself,” Jensen whispers back, fingers flexing minutely. “How you feelin'?”

“Not too bad,” Jared replies honestly. “Next wave is about to spike.”

Jensen hums softly and lets go of one hip, reaching toward his nightstand blindly. He grabs a bottle of water that Jared hadn't even noticed – too entranced by the man beneath him; his alpha, his mate, his best friend, his every-fucking-thing – and hands it to Jared with another nearly blinding, loving smile. “Drink,” he commands gently. “Need to rehydrate.”

Jared smiles at Jensen in thanks and opens the bottle, not realizing just how thirsty he was until the first few mouthfuls. He drinks half of it in one go, pulling away with a soft gasp, taking a few deep breathes before handing it back to Jensen to drink the rest. Jensen scoots back, sitting up against headboard and finishes up the bottle, setting it back on the nightstand. As soon as Jared has his attention again he grabs Jensen's face in both hands and slants their lips together. 

The kiss is slow and lazy, their hands exploring familiar flesh as they make out like horny teenagers for the longest time. Jared doesn't know – and doesn't particularly care – how long they've been at it but his lips are numb and tingly, his lungs burn a little from the panting breathes between slides of lips and tongues that don't get enough oxygen into his system, and his heart is pounding in his chest and his temples from the dizzying pleasure coursing through him. But mostly he knows that he needs Jensen inside him, right the fuck _now_.

Not breaking the kiss somehow, Jared reaches back behind himself with one long arm and grabs Jensen's cock, holding him steady as he tilts his hips back, taking his mate to the hilt. They keep kissing almost the entire time Jared is rolling his hips, riding Jensen hard and fast, very little finesse or rhythm but a lot of enthusiasm and need, only pulling away from the slide of lips and tongues to take much-needed deep breathes, eyes locking together as they pant, chests heaving. In the end it doesn't take long at all for Jensen's knot to swell and tie them together, Jared biting the inside of his jaw nearly bloody to hold out on his own orgasm, wanting to watch Jensen fall apart as he comes before reaching down and gripping his own cock, Jensen's intense gaze on Jared's hand has him coming after a few quick tugs.

Jensen pulls Jared closer, pressing them chest to chest, his arms wrapping around Jared's waist, once again kissing slow and lazy until the aftershocks have stopped and the shimmery post-orgasmic haze has faded. They fall asleep with their lips still touching, whispering to each other about nothing important.

When Jared wakes up the fourth time the room is dark and his stomach growls angrily – they haven't eaten all day and it's well past dinner. Jensen had, at some point, rolled Jared onto the mattress, leaving him wrapped around Jensen, limbs tangled together.

He's contemplating what to try and get Jensen to make for a late dinner after his mate wakes up when he realizes that, other than the fact that he's _starving_ , he feels absolutely fine, not a trace of his heat. Which can only mean one thing:

He's pregnant. 

What the hell had he been thinking when he'd convinced himself he could actually do this?


	2. Chapter 2

As Jared predicted, he's a horrible pregnant person. Jensen, of course, disagrees. 

The first few minutes – hours? – after he'd figured it out are somewhat of a blur, even months later. Jensen had blinked awake, sitting straight up, instantly on alert from whatever he must have been feeling from Jared's side of the bond – Jared's panic obviously loud enough to pull him from sleep – his eyes wide, hands clamping down on Jared's trembling shoulders.

“Jared? Baby, what's wrong?” Jared had just blinked helplessly at his mate, lips opening and closing around words that just wouldn't come. Jensen's brow furrowed, and he scooted closer, one hand sliding up to Jared's cheek, searching his eyes. Jared had been able to see the moment Jensen _got it_ , either through the bond or through scent, and his eyes widened even more. “Really?” Jensen blurted out.

“Yeah,” Jared breathed. After a few eternity-long seconds of just staring at each other Jared's stomach flipped and he pulled away from Jensen, panic slamming into him full force. “Oh fuck,” he groaned, swallowing back bile. “What the fuck was I thinking? I can't do this! Oh God, Jensen...” he wrapped his arms around his own waist, rocking back and forth, “Why the fuck did I think I could do this?!”

Jensen – ever patient, perfect Jensen; Jared kind of wanted to punch his calm, stupidly beautiful face – reached out and stopped Jared's incessant rocking – which was actually a good thing because he was about two seconds from puking all over both of them – tone calm and even when he murmured, “Easy, baby. Just calm down and breathe.” 

“Don't tell me what to do, Jensen!” Jared shouted, pulling away from Jensen again, stumbling out of bed, pacing the length of their bedroom. “Fuck,” he groaned again, both hands shoved in his hair, heart pounding hard and fast and painful. God, he was going to have a fucking heart attack. Right after he puked.

Jensen – brave, stupid man that he is – followed, hands once again gripping Jared's shoulders. “I know you're freaking out,” Jensen started, tone still infuriatingly calm and even. Jared snorted and glared at his mate, arms crossing over his chest to keep from punching him, “But you need to calm down. This isn't good for you,” his eyes dropped to Jared's stomach, “either of you,” he added softly. “Now take a deep breath and just... stop for a fucking second.” For the first time since he woke up, Jensen sounded less than calm and collected himself. Somehow – stupidly – that helped.

Jared took a deep breath, repeating it when Jensen nodded and took a deep breath himself. He dropped his arms, grudgingly letting Jensen pull him close, hugging him tightly against Jensen's strong, broad chest. Although slightly uncomfortable due to their height difference, Jared slumped down enough to hide his face in the curve of Jensen's shoulder. “I can't do this,” he repeated, barely above a whisper.

Jensen's whole body tensed and he pulled in a deep, shuddering breath. “I thought you wanted this?” he half-asked.

“I did,” Jared muttered. “I do. I... Fuck, Jen, I don't freakin' know!” His breathing had started going erratic again and he tried to pull away from Jensen, growling low in his throat when his mate tightened his arms, using his alpha strength against Jared. Which just served to make Jared angrier. Fucking typical, knot-head alpha _bullshit_. “Let me go,” he growled. “Now, Jensen.”

“No,” Jensen murmured, one hand sliding into Jared's hair, head turning enough to brush his lips against the top of Jared's head. “Talk to me.”

Jared huffed and closed his eyes, considering keeping his mouth shut just to prove a point and to be difficult, childish as the action may be. “When I was just thinking about it, coming to terms with things, even when we were actually... ya know,” Jared muttered, cheeks flushing hot. What the fuck was wrong with him? He couldn't even say the damn words when just hours ago he was begging – loudly – for Jensen to fuck, knot and breed him. He cleared his throat and pushed forward. “Anyway. Through all that it was just in the abstract. It wasn't real.” He pulled his head back enough to look into Jensen's eyes – momentarily surprised Jensen let him move – and shook his head. “Now though... it's suddenly very fucking real,” he choked out.

“It's gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay.” Jensen leaned forward and brushed a kiss to his lips. “ _You're_ gonna be okay. You're gonna be amazing.”

“You don't know that,” Jared replied weakly.

“You're _always_ amazing,” Jensen countered.

Oh if Jared could only believe that.

******

So now here he is, just six weeks in and his prediction about himself was spot on. He is a _really_ horrible pregnant person. 

The first four weeks hadn't been bad. He was tired more than usual and had some seriously bad bouts of nausea every now and then – but that could have been his still frayed nerves – but at the fifth week everything went to shit. He was sick _all the time_ , had absolutely no appetite, could barely force himself out of bed in the mornings to go to work, Jensen's scent made him puke and his touch made Jared's skin crawl.

Which is fine because Jared is content to avoid his mate at the moment. This is all Jensen's fucking fault anyway.

At six weeks – fourteen long days of not being able to stand being around Jensen – Jared's propensity to run and hide kicks in. He packs a bag while Jensen's at work and shows up at Chad's door in tears, begging for a place to stay and for Chad not to tell Jensen.

Chad of course lets him in, brow furrowed in concern when Jared just pushes past him with a mumbled thanks and locks himself in the spare room for two days, only coming out long enough to sneak into the bathroom – conveniently right across the hall – a few times a day to throw up. He didn't eat, didn't sleep and turned off his phone to avoid Jensen's nonstop calls and texts. A week after Jared had gotten pregnant their bond started fading until it flickered out completely a little over three weeks ago, leaving him cut off from Jensen that way as well.

Of course Jensen calls Chad. Jared can hear his friend lying to Jensen per Jared's request but he doesn't have to see Chad's face to know he's not happy about it.

The morning of the third day, Chad picks the lock and storms into the room Jared had claimed as his own. Jared's honestly surprised it took that long.

They haven't told anyone about Jared being pregnant. And luckily he's not far enough along that anyone would be able to scent it aside from Jensen. Jared can tell by the fire in Chad's icy blue eyes that that's about to change, that he's going to have no choice but to come clean with Chad.

Chad's arms are crossed over his chest, brows furrowed and a frown pulling down his lips. “You're my best friend,” he states tightly. “And you know I'll do any-fucking-thing for you. But it's just cruel to make me lie to Jensen like that, man. He's fucking _wrecked_ , Jared. So spill.”

Jared inhales deeply, exhales slowly, hesitating because he hadn't actually said the words out-loud yet, can't get his mouth to form 'I'm pregnant'. But not just that. He _knows_ that his reason for running is ridiculous, knows damn-well how stupid he's going to sound when he explains everything to Chad. And he knows exactly what Chad's response is going to be and he just really kind of needs someone on his side right now, despite the fact that he's in the wrong. He's not delusional enough, not so far gone in his own fear and panic to know that he's wrong here.

Chad huffs out an annoyed sigh and Jared glances up at him, feels tears stinging his eyes. Goddamn traitorous body and unpredictable fucking hormones. Chad drops his arms, his eyes widening slightly and he stumbles forward, flopping heavily on the mattress next to Jared's hip. He can understand Chad's concern and confusion. He's pretty fucking sure Chad has never seen him cry.

“Jaybird, man, what is it?”

Jared inhales deeply once more, exhales a shaky, “I'm pregnant.”

Chad blinks owlishly, lips opening and closing around words that don't come. If Jared was in his right mind he'd laugh his ass off. He's never seen Chad speechless. “What?” his friend eventually squeaks.

“Dude, don't make me say it again,” Jared groans. “You freakin' heard me.”

“Okay,” Chad breathes, shaking his head slightly. “Okay, yeah, man.” He licks his lips, brow furrowing again. “Why're you here then?” he asks carefully.

Jared closes his eyes and it's like a floodgate opening when he starts talking. “'cause I can't fucking do this! I'm sick and exhausted All. The. Time. Jensen's scent makes me puke and his touch makes me wanna crawl out of my skin. And I can't _feel_ him, at all, like he's been ripped away from me but I can tell how much he wants... _it_ and I _know_ I'm just gonna fuck up. Hell, I'm _already_ fucking up. And he's just... he's so _Jensen_ all the time, always so fucking perfect and patient and I... I blame him for all this even though _I'm_ the one who stopped my birth control, without even talking to him, so it's not _really_ his fault, ya know? I... I fucking hate him but I _miss_ him, and I love him and I don't deserve him, I never have.” He sucks in a shuddering breath, sniffles and wipes angrily at the tears streaming down his cheeks. “I can't feel him,” he repeats. “Even when we were having problems with our bond the first year and a half, I was able to at least feel the warmth of his presence at the back of my mind, my heart. Now it's just... gone.” He sucks in another shaky breath, letting it out on a sob. “I ran away from him. He's gonna leave me. It'd serve me right.” He pulls in another harsh lungful of air, dizzy from crying and emotion. He's not really sure if Chad was even able to understand his rambling word vomit. But if there's one person out there that gets him and understands him beside Jensen, it's Chad.

“Whoa, dude,” Chad gasps, blinking rapidly, hands gripping his shoulders and it's only then that Jared realizes that he'd tipped forward, almost falling off the bed. The room spins again – or maybe it's his head spinning – and black spots dance in front of his eyes before he slumps forward into Chad's chest, his friend's arms wrapping quickly around him, hears Chad's frantic voice calling his name before he slips into peaceful, welcoming darkness.

******

Jared groans as his eyes flutter open slowly, his entire body aching. The light in the room stabs into his eyes, making them water as his head pounds. He quickly recloses his eyes and lifts one hand intending to rub at his temples but a small, sharp bite of pain in the back of his hand stops the movement. He opens his eyes carefully once more, keeping them barely open slits, and glances down.

He's in a bed he doesn't recognize and there's an IV in the back of his hand. He forces his eyes open all the way, cringing as his head throbs again and looks around him. The sickening mix of bleach and antiseptic makes him gag as he realizes he's in the fucking hospital.

A strong, familiar hand brushes the hair off his forehead – the touch making him want to claw his skin off – and he whips his head to the side. He regrets it instantly, a wave of pain wracking his entire body and he groans again. Jensen is standing next to his bed and Jared can't place the expression on his face or the look in his eyes. Fuck. The last damn thing he wants – or needs – is this.

“What happened?” he rasps, throat tight and raw and painful.

Jensen picks up a glass of water from the table by the bed and holds it for Jared, guiding the straw between his lips. He drinks gratefully, momentarily not caring about anything aside from the cool, soothing liquid slipping down his throat.

Until Jensen speaks that is.

“You passed out. Chad freaked and called 911. You've been in and out for a few hours.” Jensen's voice is strangely void of any emotion and it hurts Jared's heart, knowing he did that.

He doesn't remember waking up before this and his head hurts too badly to try and remember so he nods, taking another few sips of water – can't drink too much, the liquid on his empty stomach is making him nauseous. “How'd you know?” he eventually asks quietly.

“Chad called.” Jensen sighs and sets the glass down before flopping into the uncomfortable looking chair next to the bed. “What the hell're you doing to yourself, Jared?”

“What?” Jared frowns, wrinkling his nose. “It's not like I passed out on purpose, Jensen.”

“Could've fooled me!” Jensen snaps, voice finally filled with emotion. Too bad it's anger and fear. Jared may be fucked up right now, more than he's ever been, and he may be upset and may try to convince himself he hates Jensen but he really doesn't want to make him angry or worry him. “You're dehydrated and practically malnourished. You've lost ten pounds in two weeks.” Jensen huffs and drops his head into his hands, covering his face, his elbows resting on his thighs. “Fuck, Jared,” he mutters, voice muffled by his hands.

“I'm sorry,” Jared sighs, barely recognizing his own voice, how flat it is. “He shouldn't have called you...”

“Of course he shouldn't have,” Jensen grits out, lifting his head to look at Jared again. Jared's heart slams against his ribs, tears stinging his eyes. He closes them to keep Jensen from seeing. This is it, the moment he knew would come. Jensen's fed up with his shit and he's leaving. Jared deserves it. “ _You_ should've. Or better yet, you should've been home where you Goddamn belong!” Jensen inhales deeply, exhales slowly. “I shouldn't have snapped,” he mutters after a few tense, uncomfortable moments. “The doctor warned me about stress levels.”

Jared sighs, forcing his body to try and relax. He doesn't know what to say to Jensen, kind of wants to kick him out but he doubts his mate will actually leave. Thankfully he's spared from trying to figure it out when the door to his room opens and a woman walks in, obviously a doctor if the white coat and the look of admonishment is any indication.

She's probably around Jensen's age with fiery auburn-red hair cascading down her shoulders and back, chocolate-brown eyes intent on Jared. She's pretty but there's definitely something a little intimidating about her.

“Nice to see you awake finally, Mr. Padalecki. I'm Dr. Harris. How're you feeling?” There's a low, kind of raspy quality to her voice that's sexy as all hell and despite feeling like crap, despite Jensen sitting _right there_ , despite being happily mated, Jared can't help but notice. Looking closer, she's not just pretty, she's kind of unnaturally gorgeous and he feels a flash of guilt, even though it's nothing more than a thought, a simple observation. 

Jared blinks, belatedly realizing that Dr. Harris asked him a question, is still staring at him expectantly with those deep brown eyes. “I, uh, I'm okay, I guess,” Jared stammers.

Dr. Harris hums and checks his vitals then pulls up the other chair in the room, sitting on the side of his bed opposite Jensen. “I'm not gonna sugar coat this. You're not really okay. You're dehydrated and malnourished and suffering from some pretty severe exhaustion. We've got you on IV fluids and we're going to be keeping you a few days to get things back in order but that's just a temporary fix. You have to take better care of yourself once you're out of here. Your baby feeds from you, Mr. Padalecki, and if you don't take care of yourself, you're putting both of you at risk.” She pauses and flips through his chart then looks back up at him. “You're naturally lean but you're entirely too underweight for being nearly seven weeks pregnant.”

“I, um, I've not had much of an appetite,” Jared mutters, glancing up at her through his lashes. “And some pretty serious nausea and morning sickness that lasts all day.”

“That should pass but if it's that bad, there are nausea medicines that are safe. Have you mentioned this to your doctor?” Jared bites his bottom lip and shakes his head no. “When was the last time you saw your doctor? They definitely would've noticed this.”

Jared huffs out a sigh, shoulders slumping. “Not since my first appointment,” he admits.

“And that was?”

“Almost six weeks ago,” Jared damn-near whispers.

Dr. Harris sighs softly and turns her attention to Jensen, her eyes softening a little. “Can you give us a few minutes, Jensen?”

Jared frowns, brow furrowing as he looks between the doctor and his mate. Do they know each other? A hot, acidic foreign feeling squirms inside Jared and it takes a few moments to place it, having never felt this emotion in regard to Jensen. Jealousy. White-hot, searing jealousy.

Jensen hesitates, glancing quickly at Jared before turning his attention back to the – entirely too pretty – doctor that he's apparently on a first name basis with even though Jared's only been here a few hours. “Yeah,” Jensen sighs. “No problem, Danneel. I'll be right outside.” He doesn't say anything to Jared, doesn't even look at him again. Jared wants to scream. Or cry. Or puke. Maybe all three.

“There's no delicate way to ask this so I'm just going to ask.” Jared hears her speaking, he really does, but he's too busy staring at the closed door his mate just left through. “Was this pregnancy consensual?”

Her question is so out of left field, the _last_ thing Jared ever expected to hear, that it snaps him right out of the daze he was in. “What?” he gasps. “Of course. Why would you ask that?”

“Honestly?” she half-asks, continuing before he can answer, “Because it doesn't really seem like you _want_ to be pregnant.”

“Just because I've been a little sick?” he asks incredulously. 

“No, because you haven't asked about your baby, not once. And because I had a pretty long talk with your mate when you first came in.”

Anger joins the jealously but Jared grits his teeth against it. “If you spoke with Jensen then why would you ask if it was consensual?”

“Because even if the _mating_ was consensual, even the knotting, that doesn't mean the pregnancy was,” she answers easily. “And I'm not insinuating that Jensen forced you, not by any means. But I have to wonder if you really even want the baby.” She pauses, hard expression falling away a little. “If you don't,” she adds softly, gently, “there's still time to explore other options.”

“You mean abortion?” Jared rasps, stomach twisting, bile burning the back of his throat.

“That's one option, yes.”

“No,” Jared replies firmly. No matter how hard this is going to be, how hard it's _already_ been, there's no way he could do that, could kill a child – _their_ child – that's part of Jensen. It might be right for others and he's entirely pro-choice but it isn't right for _him_.

“Then you need to do better, Jared,” she says quietly but firmly. And since when are _they_ on a first name basis? “get some rest, you need it. I'll check on you later.”

“Dr. Harris?” Jared blurts out before she can get up. 

“Yes?”

“Is it... _Is_ it okay?” he whispers.

“Yes,” she nods, flashing him a small smile. “Babies are kind of resilient. They take what they need from their parent. But like I said, you don't take care of you, the baby _will_ eventually be affected.” 

With that, she gets up and leaves. It takes a few minutes for Jensen to come back in the room and Jared _knows_ that they were out there talking about him. 

Jensen steps back into the room and retakes his seat at Jared's bedside, hands clasped between his spread knees, eyes on the floor. Jared's tired and still fighting the urge to puke and he's not going to do it, he swears he's not, but his mouth still opens and he hears himself sneer, “So _Danneel_ , huh?”

Jensen sighs and looks up at him and for the first time Jared notices just how haggard and tired his mate looks, usual scruff along his jaw almost enough to be called a beard, thin skin beneath his eyes tinged purple. And his _eyes_. Fuck. Jared has _never_ seen that look, never seen the glittering emerald-green so... flat, so miserable. “Really, Jared?” Jensen asks tiredly.

And Jared should stop, he knows he should. Hell, he shouldn't have started to begin with. But Jared's not entirely logical or rational at the moment. Pregnancy hormones are a _bitch_. 

“Well I just find it interesting that y'all seem so chummy after just a few hours.”

Jensen sighs again and wipes one hand down his face. “I was scared... no, _terrified_ , after Chad called,” Jensen grits out. “Then I get here and they tell me you're still unconscious. Your vitals were horrible and it was damn obvious that something was wrong. And since _you_ couldn't answer _your doctor's_ questions, I had to. So yeah, we sat in this room with you _fucking unconscious_ and had a nice long chat.” He shakes his head, jaw clenching. “Tell me you don't _really_ think what it sounds like you're insinuating.”

Jared _knows_ that Jensen wouldn't do that to him. Or well, pre-pregnant Jared knows that. Pregnant Jared is a fucking idiot and is maybe looking for something to argue about, something that will make Jensen walk away so he can justify the fear that he's going to lose Jensen.

He's not thinking about the fact that he noticed how hot Dr. Harris – Danneel – is before he even heard her say his mate's name.

“I'm tired, Jensen,” Jared mutters, closing his eyes and turning away from Jensen.

He ignores the sting of tears and the salty tracks trickling down his cheeks when Jensen gets up and walks out a few minutes later.

He also ignores the fact that he doesn't come back the entire three days they keep Jared.

******

He calls Chad the day they let him go.

To Chad's credit, he waits until they get back to his apartment to bring it up. That could be because Jared sat in the passenger's seat, arms crossed over his chest, staring out the side window, body language screaming 'leave me alone, leave _it_ alone' so loud he may as well have _actually_ been screaming it out-loud.

Chad follows him to the spare room. Jared isn't surprised. The minute Jared's ass hits the mattress, Chad dives right in. “Where's Jensen?”

“At work, I guess,” Jared shrugs. “If not then at home.” _Or out plowing the hot doctor_ , a snarky voice mutters in the back of Jared's mind.

“Okay,” Chad sighs, sitting down next to Jared. “What happened now?”

As Jared spills everything – even the part about _Danneel_ – he thinks that maybe Chad should've become a couple's therapist. He sure as hell has managed to be forced into that roll for him and Jensen.

“Jaybird,” Chad huffs, shaking his head, wiping one hand down his face. He looks so uncomfortable when he continues. Or maybe constipated. It's hard to tell sometimes with Chad. “You know I love you, man. But I gotta ask... Have you lost your damn mind?”

“Huh?”

“Thinking that Jensen would _ever_ cheat on you. Or even _think_ about cheating on you,” Chad rolls his eyes, “Fuck, dude, you know better than that.” Jared opens his mouth, not sure what he actually plans to say, but Chad holds up one hand and goes on. “Man, I get that this is hard for you. I've known you for a damn long time, so I know _how_ hard it is. But you... you're making it harder on yourself, bro.”

“What'd'ya mean?”

“You're fighting this _so_ hard. You're looking for things to fight about, reasons to push Jensen away. Just... Just chill a little, man.”

He kind of hates when Chad is right. 

Before he can reply, the door swings open and he looks up, heart slamming against his ribs when he sees Sophia standing there with Jensen. “I let him in,” she states. “Chad, let's go.”

Chad may not really agree with Jared but he's still on Jared's side, without question. Sophia is another matter. She still loves Jared but makes it _no_ secret that she thinks what he's doing is wrong and that she's totally on Jensen's side. 

Deep down, in the place where pre-pregnant Jared still exists, he hates that there are even sides to begin with. 

Chad doesn't hesitate at his mate's order. Just flashes Jared a sympathetic smile and pats Jensen's shoulder as he passes, closing the door behind him.

“Jensen, what...”

“Soph called me when Chad brought you back here,” Jensen states, cutting Jared's question off.

Okay, well that takes care of the how but still doesn't cover the what or the why, which is what Jared was actually going to ask, what he really wants to know. When Jensen hadn't come back to the hospital after the first day Jared had pretty much figured Jensen was just done with his shit. 

“Why're you here?” Jared asks softly, unable to look Jensen in the eye. He's not sure what he'd see in his mate's expression. And honestly, he's not sure he can handle it, whatever might be in those green depths. 

“Seriously?” Jensen huffs. Jared just shrugs, keeping his eyes averted. “Damnit, Jared,” Jensen growls. “Freaking _look at me_.” Despite the trepidation and worry and fear still churning in his stomach, Jared does. Jensen's eyes are dark and for the life of him, Jared can't place the emotion. It hurts, not being able to read Jensen, not being able to tap into their bond to get a clue about what he's feeling. It hurts even more to think that he might not actually know Jensen as well as he thought he did. “Do you really have to ask why I'm here?” Jensen finally asks quietly. 

“You didn't come back,” Jared whispers before he can stop himself. 

“Not because I didn't want to,” Jensen murmurs. “I just didn't think you wanted to see me. And you needed the rest and to not be stressed out...”

“Why are you here now?”

“'cause I'm tired of this, Jared!” Jensen half-shouts. Jared flinches, can't help it. Jensen's eyes soften and his shoulders slump. “I just want you home,” he continues softly. “I want my mate back. I wanna be able to keep an eye on you, make sure you're actually taking care of yourself...”

“For the baby,” Jared interrupts, voice hoarse, throat tight, tears stinging the corner of his eyes. It's the first time he's said the word out-loud and it feels odd on his tongue.

“No, dumbass,” Jensen sighs. “Because of _you_.” Jared frowns, nose wrinkling in confusion. Jensen's fingers flex and he takes an aborted step forward. Jared can _see_ the urge to touch, the _need_ to touch, in his eyes. “And partly for the baby, too,” Jensen adds. “I won't lie. But I told you once, Jared. I may _want_ a child but I _need_ you.”

Jared bites down hard on his bottom lip, a few errant tears slipping down his cheeks. God, he wants to feel Jensen's arms around him, wants to feel Jensen's lips against his own, wants to be able to melt into his mate's strong embrace and just let him fix all this crap. But he _can't_ , knows that one simple touch would make his skin crawl, knows if Jensen gets much closer his scent will make him puke – that's already a close thing as it is – and for a moment he hates all this so fiercely he can't stand it, wonders if he'll actually be able to make it thirty-three more weeks like this.

“Come home, Jay?” Jensen half-asks, voice soft and raspy, love and devotion and so many other emotions filling his eyes, his tone.

Jared can't do much but nod, afraid if he opens his mouth he'll end up sobbing or throwing up. 

******

When they get back home, Jensen calls Jared's doctor himself, making an appointment for the next day. Jared knows it's not an option and besides, he's too damn tired to argue anyway. 

He goes through the same lecture with his regular doctor that he got from Dr. Harris. But he does get a prescription for nausea medicine and a referral to an obstetrician. 

Even though the medicine helps some Jared still spends most of his days either puking or nauseous and trying not to puke. Actually going into work is out of the question – not to mention the fact that he still hasn't come clean to his boss or coworkers about not actually being the alpha he'd always pretended to be and explaining a sudden pregnancy would be awkward as hell – but he can’t afford to quit either. Jensen makes great money but not enough to support a child on his own. Luckily he’s able to speak with someone in HR – leaving him to only have to explain everything to one person – and is given the ability to keep his job and just work from home. Which he also had the option of continuing once the baby was born. Jared happily accepts.

Things with Jensen are still strained even months after he'd run away and landed himself in the hospital. They don’t talk much – hardly at all really unless it is absolutely unavoidable. He can see the longing and frustration in his mate's eyes, knows if their bond was working that he'd be overwhelmed by Jensen's emotions. And despite the fact that he misses the warm, gentle sensation of his mate in the back of his head, in his heart, he’s selfishly grateful for their faulty bond. Feeling Jensen right now would just make everything worse.

After being released from the hospital he forced himself to take better care of himself, and by extension his baby, but he still struggles day by day with the feeling of losing more and more of himself, hating how little control he has over his body as more and more it became less his own. He gains weight, feels things shifting around inside him but struggles the most with the hormones making him crazy. He no longer feels like himself, doesn’t recognize who he's become. He hates it.

Jensen is as patient and supportive as ever, tries to be there for Jared, help with things and participate in things as much as Jared would allow. He comes to every doctor's appointment and goes out to buy everything they'll need in a few months when Jared can’t bring himself to do it. He handles telling their friends and families and makes sure to run interference when anyone tries to visit – except Chad, he is the only person Jared agrees to see or speak with. Jared swings wildly between hating Jensen and loving him so fiercely he can't breathe.

Then at twenty weeks, everything changes.

Jared's stomach had 'popped' a few weeks before but seems to be getting bigger day by day. Jared's stilling trying hard to get used to looking down and seeing the swell but he honestly doesn't think he ever will. He wears the biggest shirts he can find and refuses to look at himself naked and he damn-sure doesn't let Jensen see or feel.

But now they're sitting in Jared's doctor's office for his monthly check-up and no matter how hard he tries, Jensen won't leave. Jared huffs when the doctor enters – a friendly, pretty beta around his age that once upon a time he would've happily bent over and fucked – and throws Jared a sweet smile, effectively ending their argument.

They go over the usual stuff first – blood work and questions – then she grins and turns to the ultrasound machine, brandishing the transducer like a wand. “Okay, fun stuff!” Dr. Cortese – Genevieve, or Gen, as she insisted they call her – says happily. “C'mon, lay back, this ain't your first rodeo, Jared,” she teases.

And she's right. He's had more than a few but this is the first one where his stomach will be so... there and painfully obvious. Jared lays back and lets her lift his shirt and push down the top of his sweats, swirling the gel across his middle. He hears a sharp gasp from Jensen and can't stop himself from quickly glancing at his mate.

Jensen's staring at his stomach, lips parted, eyes wide and full of so many emotions Jared can't even name them all. To his surprise though disgust isn't one of them. He had feared that Jensen would be disgusted – and he hated himself for it, for not only being that insecure and vain but also for doubting Jensen about yet another thing.

“Jared,” Jensen breathes, barely audible, flicking his gaze up, their eyes locking together. He can feel tears biting at his eyes and is surprised by the matching wetness in Jensen's emerald depth. “Sweetheart...”

Gen slides the transducer over his belly and makes a soft noise, turning to grin at them, breaking the moment. “There's your little one, guys,” she announces happily.

They both turn to the screen, matching gasps leaving their lips. Jared blinks owlishly and shakes his head. It looks like... a baby. An actual, real life baby. The last times it had still looked more than a little like an alien but now... It’s a baby.

Gen flips a switch and a soft, slightly rapid 'woosh, woosh, woosh' sound fills the room. “And that's its heart beat,” she adds. “Which sounds perfect.”

The baby moves a little, raising one hand, mouth opening. “Is it...” Jensen rasps. “Is it yawning?”

“Yeah,” Gen laughs, pausing to snap a few pictures. The baby moves again, squirming around. “It's an active one, that's for sure.” She chuckles and moves the wand a little, head tilting to the side. “If you haven't yet, you should start feeling movement soon. I can't quite get a good enough angle to see the sex. Do you wanna know?”

To his surprise Jared blurts out a yes. It doesn't matter, he's not hoping for one or the other, but knowing either way seems like it might make it more real.

She slides her hand over the curve of Jared's stomach, pushing a little, and the baby rolls, flopping its legs open. Gen chuckles and turns to them, eyes sparkling. “That is one show-off of a little girl.”

Jensen makes a soft, choked noise and suddenly he's out of his seat, both hands on Jared's belly. For the first time in five months his mate's touch doesn't make his skin crawl. In fact, it has quite the opposite effect, a bolt of arousal zinging through his body.

The rest of the appointment is a blur. Once they're done and in the parking lot, Jared reaches for Jensen, grabbing his hand, fingers lacing together and squeezing. Jensen's eyes snap to his and Jared swallows thickly. “Can we go home?” he rasps. They'd had plans to meet Chad and Sophia for lunch but Jared just really wants to get Jensen home, maybe feel more of that touch he realizes that he's been drowning without. “Please?”

“'course,” Jensen agrees easily, softly. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just... Hurry?”

Thankfully the house isn't far and traffic is light. Within ten minutes they're walking into the front door, Jared once again clinging to Jensen's hand. He can see the confusion in his mate's eyes and can't blame him.

“Jared?”

“We'll talk,” Jared whispers. “I swear we will. But for now can we just...” he trails off, unable to find the words to ask for what he needs. Giving up after a few moments of struggling Jared tugs gently on Jensen's hand, pulling him closer. “Jen,” he breathes before slanting their lips together. He moans at the familiar taste of his mate and pushes closer, pressing against Jensen as much as possible with his belly in the way and deepens the kiss. 

Jensen tenses, momentarily standing completely still, and Jared is starting to panic, wondering if he'd fucked things up so badly that Jensen wants nothing to do with him. He's just about to pull away and apologize when Jensen groans deep in his throat, almost painful sounding, free hand gripping the back of Jared's hair, tugging a little on the strands as he takes control of the kiss, licking into Jared's mouth, sliding their tongues together.

Jared gasps and tries to press forward, whining in frustration as his stomach prevents him from melting completely against Jensen's chest. Jensen tightens his hand in Jared's hair and tilts his head slightly, kissing him almost desperately and Jared can do nothing but kiss back hungrily, letting go of Jensen's hand to wrap both arms around his waist.

Jensen eventually pulls away with a gasp, lust-dark eyes locking with Jared's. He can see the confusion fading with the want in Jensen's eyes, can smell the warm, spicy scent of his arousal and it makes his head spin, his own scent spiking, his hole fluttering and leaking, slick already wetting the tops of his thighs.

“Want you,” he whispers, arms squeezing around Jensen's lean waist. “Please?” He knows he has no damn right to beg for anything, definitely doesn't deserve to get it but he can't help it. It's been five long, miserable months and this is the first time that he's felt anything even close to arousal since his heat.

Jensen silently searches his eyes for a moment then nods, pulling himself out of Jared's arms. He takes Jared's hand again and leads him to their bedroom, gently pressing Jared down onto the mattress. Jared groans and lays back, turning his head to the side and burying his nose in Jensen's pillow, greedily sucking in deep lung-fulls of his mate's scent while Jensen stands at the foot of the bed; Jared can see him stripping from the corner of his eye and it makes his cock twitch. The mattress feels like pure heaven and he honestly hadn't realized he'd missed being in their bed so damn much. After coming back home from hiding out at Chad's, Jared moved himself into their guest room down the hall. At the time Jensen's scent made him too sick to be surrounded completely by it so he hadn't thought twice about moving into a different room. But now with Jensen's familiar scent all around him and the soft mattress cradling his sore body and his mate crawling onto the bed beside him Jared feels like he's finally _home_. 

Jensen pressing a kiss to his lips grabs his attention – he's got a bad case of baby brain, so easily distracted and so unfocused – and he focuses on Jensen's face, heart pounding at the small, loving smile on Jensen's lips. He hasn't seen that beautiful smile much in the last five months and the thought hurts like hell. “What?” he asks softly when Jensen continues to just stare down at him.

“I asked you to lift up so I could pull your sweats off,” Jensen murmurs, that beautiful smile falling away. “You sure you wanna do this?”

“Yes,” Jared blurts out, his cheeks heating slightly with embarrassment. “It's just... a side effect of bein' pregnant. Freakin' baby brain,” he snorts. “Totally leaves me easily distracted and makes my mind wonder.” He reaches up and cups Jensen's cheek, smiling when he leans into the touch. “But I'm good. I want this,” he adds softly.

“Okay,” Jensen breathes, smiling again. He grabs Jared's shirt and tugs at the hem. “Sit up?” he half-asks.

Jared freezes for a moment, arousal waning slightly. Even though Jensen saw him at the doctor's he's not so sure about letting him see again. “Can we... Can I leave it on?” he whispers.

“What? Why?”

Jared huffs and shakes his head. “'cause 'm fat,” he mutters.

“You're not,” Jensen argues. Jared flinches when Jensen shoves the front of his shirt up enough to see, his hands spreading on either side of the swell. Just like at the doctor's, heat floods Jared's whole body and he can't bite back a low moan. His eyes widen when soft, wet lips brush just beneath his belly button. “You're not fat,” Jensen murmurs against his belly, eyes flicking up to Jared's. “You're pregnant and you've barely even got a belly.” He kisses over the curve and Jared shivers. “And you're fucking beautiful.” Jared snorts and shakes his head. “You are, Jay. So freakin' gorgeous. Wanna get my hands on you all the time.”

The confession makes him feel guilty and he opens his lips to apologize but Jensen shakes his head and kisses over to the other side of his stomach. “Don't,” he breathes. “It's okay. We'll talk about it later, alright?” Jared nods and lifts up when Jensen tugs at his shirt again, tensing slightly when Jensen gets it off and tosses it over his shoulder. “Beautiful,” he whispers as he looks down at Jared, fingers sliding over the swell, down to the waist of his sweats. “Lift.”

Jared does, letting Jensen pull both his sweats and boxer briefs down and off. Jensen's heated gaze moves over his entire body and for the first time since he met Jensen he's uncomfortable with his mate's attention. He's never really been shy about his body – he's not conceited but he knows how he looks, or well, how he normally looks and he's always been proud of his body. But now he feels fat and uncomfortable and gross and so very unsexy.

Jensen has always been exceptionally good at reading Jared's emotions, even without the bond and apparently the strained distance between them the last five months hasn't changed that.

He crawls up he bed and settles at Jared's side, one hand sliding over his stomach as he leans down to kiss Jared, slow and sweet and breathtaking. For a few precious moments Jared's able to forget _everything_ and lose himself in the slide of Jensen's lips and tongue, the heat of his body and the sharpening scent of his arousal, letting himself melt against his mate, drowning happily in all things _Jensen_. It's exactly what he needs to actually feel like himself again, at least temporarily.

But then Jensen's hand shifts, sliding under the swell of his stomach and Jared feels a slight flutter inside, one definitely _not_ from pleasure. It pulls him back out of the moment, even though the feeling stops as quickly as it started and he's not _entirely_ sure he even felt anything.

He pulls away from the kiss with a gasp, eyes snapping open and locking with Jensen's. He can tell that Jensen didn't feel anything and he convinces himself that he didn't really either.

Jensen smiles down at him, sliding his hand up Jared's stomach to his chest, pressing over his heart. Jared closes his eyes and reaches up, grabs the back of Jensen's neck and pulls him back down, lips sliding together again, heated and desperate. Jensen groans into the kiss and slides his hand down Jared's side, over his hip then down, brushing just barely against the inside of his thigh. Jared slides his legs open automatically, biting Jensen's bottom lip when his mate's fingers slip over his balls then lower, teasing around the slick, loosened furl of muscle.

“Jensen, please,” Jared whispers against Jensen's lips, twisting his hips and pushing down, trying to get more of the fleeting touch.

Jensen hums and presses forward, two fingers sinking inside him. Jared pulls away from the kiss, head pressing back into the pillow, neck arching as a low moan rumbles in his chest, one hand still clinging to his mate. Jensen kisses his way down Jared's jaw to his exposed neck, teeth scraping over his thundering pulse as his fingers push in deeper, unerringly finding his prostate almost immediately. Just that small bit of pleasure feels freaking amazing after five long months of nothing but Jared needs more, needs everything.

“Please,” he begs, fingers tightening on the back of Jensen's neck, other hand reaching down to brush over his mate's straining, leaking cock. “Need you, babe.”

Jensen growls low in his throat and scrapes his teeth over Jared's mating scar, fingers pressing harder against Jared's sweet spot. Jared cries out, eyes slamming closed as his back arches. Jensen pulls his head back and slants their lips together, kissing him fast and dirty before pulling back, their eyes locking together. “Turn over for me?” Jensen rasps. “On your side?”

Jensen knows that Jared doesn't really care for being on his hands and knees but with his stomach, there aren't many positions that will work. Jared doesn't mind being on his side but Jensen can't get the strength or speed behind his thrusts that Jared is craving. Hell, it's going to be hard enough to keep Jensen from treating him like spun glass no matter _what_ position they're in. 

“I'd rather...” he trails off, feels his cheeks heating, doubt creeping through him. Freaking hormones. 

“What, sweetheart?” Jensen urges softly.

“Hands and knees?” Jared half-asks, biting down on the corner of his bottom lip.

Jensen looks surprised, one eyebrow quirking, but he helps Jared turn over brushes a kiss to the back of his shoulder once Jared's settled. “Okay?” Jensen murmurs.

Jared hums in agreement, glancing up at Jensen over his shoulder, flashing Jensen a smile. “'m good.”

Jensen gives him a quick peck on the lips then moves behind him, kneeling between Jared's legs. Warm, strong hands slide down his back, over his hips, down the outside of his thighs and Jared moans softly, head falling between his shoulders, eyes fluttering closed. Jensen's touch has always been pure pleasure, comforting in ways that Jared never felt before and he honestly hadn't realized just how much he's really missed it the past few months. Sure, he was well aware of the fact that he missed Jensen, and Jensen's touch, but just how _much_ he'd missed it surprises him now that he has it again.

Soft, wet lips slide over the small of Jared's back then down over the curve of his ass and Jared slides his legs open wider, tilts his hips back. A moan tears from his throat when he feels Jensen's tongue circle around his rim, his whole body trembling when Jensen groans, the sound vibrating up his spine, fresh slick leaking down the sensitive skin of his perineum and the back of his balls. Jensen laves his tongue over Jared's hole once, twice, then pushes the tip into the loosened muscle, fingers curling over his hips, holding him still when Jared jerks, trying to push back.

“Jensen,” he huffs. “Please.”

“Easy, baby,” Jensen murmurs, lips brushing against his ass cheek.

“Need more,” Jared whines.

“I got'cha,” Jensen breathes, presses another kiss to the small of his back then Jared feels the blunt tip of Jensen's cock pressing against his entrance. He curls his fingers around the slats of the headboard, holding tight, trembling with need as Jensen pushes into him slowly. Jared whimpers and tries to push back, to take him faster, deeper, but Jensen is still holding his hips, keeping control of the long, slow slide. “Easy,” he repeats.

“Not gonna break, Jen,” Jared snaps.

Jensen – the bastard – chuckles softly and just continues the same maddening pace. After what feels like a small eternity, he bottoms out. And stops. Jared tries to jerk his hips again, growling in frustration when he _still_ can't freaking move. Jensen leans over and kisses his shoulder, the back of his neck. “Don't wanna hurt you,” he whispers against Jared's ear.

“ _I'm_ gonna hurt _you_ if you don't fucking _move_ ,” Jared grits out. 

Jensen chuckles again and nuzzles behind his ear, kisses the soft, sensitive skin there – asshole _knows_ what that spot does to Jared, damnit. “Relax, baby. Know I'll take care'a you.”

Jared reopens his eyes and lifts his head, looking at his mate over his shoulder. He smirks at Jensen and deliberately clenches his inner muscles. Jensen's eyes slam closed and his hips twitch, a low, growled curse falling from his lips. “Not gonna break,” Jared repeats pointedly when Jensen finally reopens his eyes. “Wanna feel you.” Jared gives Jensen the puppy dog look, his eyes widening, lips turning down in a slight pout just for good measure. “Please, Jen. _Need_ you.”

Jensen growls again and drops his head, face buried in the curve of Jared's neck. “You know that look isn't playin' fair,” he grumbles. 

Jared laughs softly – stunned momentarily to realize he hasn't actually laughed in _months_ – and brushes a kiss to Jensen's temple. “All's fair, babe,” he teases.

“Brat,” Jensen huffs fondly right before biting the base of Jared's neck. Jared gasps, cock twitching almost painfully. “I mean it, Jay, it hurts, even a little...”

“I'll tell you,” Jared interrupts softly, nuzzling his nose though Jensen's hair. “Promise, babe. Just... I need this, Jensen.”

Jensen nods and finally lifts his head, brushing a kiss to Jared's lips before he sits up, hands flexing against Jared's hips as he draws his own hips back then pushes back in, harder, faster. Jared drops his head between his shoulders again, groaning deeply. “Fuck, Jen, more.”

Jensen snorts but listens. _Finally_. 

Jensen falls into a rhythm, fast and deep, long snaps of his hips, but he's still holding back, not thrusting as hard as Jared damn-well knows he can. Jared pushes back as best as he can, clenches his inner muscles, tries to get Jensen to fuck him like he wants, like he needs. “Harder,” Jared pants.

Jensen tightens his fingers around Jared's hips and picks up a bit of strength, nailing Jared's sweet spot on every thrust. It feels amazing but is still not quite enough but Jared knows he can't push Jensen for more, is honestly surprised that Jensen is giving him this much. “Fuck, that's it,” Jared breathes, drops his head to the pillow and lets go, lets himself just enjoy being with Jensen again, the familiar pleasure of his mate's long, thick cock splitting him open. 

Jensen groans and leans down, kisses between Jared's shoulder blades. “Feels so good, Jay,” he rasps. “Love the way you feel around me. Fuck... Always so good.” 

Jared gasps in surprise when Jensen wraps his arms around his chest and pulls him up, his mate sitting back and pulling Jared into his lap, Jared's legs spread wide over Jensen's thighs. The position pushes Jensen even deeper and Jared mewls, leaning back against Jensen's chest, head falling back on Jensen's shoulder. Jensen churns his hips, grinding up hard against Jared, cock buried so deep it makes up for the lack of strength and speed. “Feel good, baby?” Jensen asks softly, lips brushing against Jared's ear.

“So good,” Jared moans, rolling his hips back, Jensen's cock rubbing over his sweet spot. “Close,” he breathes, his orgasm creeping up on him fast.

Jensen reaches around him and wraps his fingers around Jared's straining length, thumb rubbing over the tip, smearing pre-come down his shaft, twisting his wrist as he strokes Jared hard and fast. Jensen's teeth clamp down on the crook of Jared's shoulder as he presses his hips up against Jared, his knot swelling, the slight burning stretch pushing Jared over the edge, his release crashing over him like a tidal wave. He cries out, eyes slamming closed as he arches against Jensen, his mate working him through his climax even as his knot expands the rest of the way, tying them together. The feeling of Jensen's warm release filling him up makes Jared moan weakly, drawing his orgasm out almost to the point of pain. 

He whimpers softly, weakly, when Jensen wraps his arms around him and gently tips them to the side, pressed tight against Jared's back, kissing whatever bit of skin he can reach. “Y'okay?” Jensen murmurs.

“Mmhmm,” Jared hums, snuggling back into Jensen's embrace, smiling tiredly, completely sated. He turns his head and tilts his chin up, silently asking for a kiss. Jensen chuckles fondly and brushes their lips together, sweet and chaste.

Jared's just about asleep, so pleasantly worn out, when Jensen's fingers slide over the swell of his stomach. Jared's eyes snap open, post orgasmic laziness washing away. He'd really hoped to be able to pretend just a little longer.

“I love you,” Jensen whispers.

“Love you, too,” Jared replies quietly.

“And I've missed you,” Jensen sighs.

Jared inhales deeply, exhales slowly. This is probably not the best time to talk about this shit – they'll be tied together for another twenty minutes at least, leaving him no way to run if the need arises – but Jensen's been so damn patient and amazing he guess he sort of owes it to him to not keep putting things off.

“I've missed you, too,” Jared echoes Jensen's sigh, closing his eyes again as Jensen kisses the back of his neck, nuzzles through his hair, his fingers lightly rubbing over Jared's stomach. “I'm sorry, Jen,” he adds softly.

“For?” 

“Everything?” Jared huffs, half-question, half-statement. 

“Jay, you don't need...”

“No, I do,” Jared interrupts quietly. “I've been a pretty shitty mate the past five months, treated you like crap, blamed you for things that aren't your fault, nearly fucked everything up beyond repair...” Jensen's hand settles gently over Jared's mouth, effectively cutting off the list of all the things he's messed up, the things he needs to apologize for.

“You aren't...” Jensen starts then pauses, huffs and carefully squeezes his arms around Jared a little tighter, kisses the curve of his neck. “Jared, I love you,” he murmurs. “And I knew that this wouldn't be easy on you...

Jared pulls his head back away from Jensen's hand. “Jensen, I've been horrible,” he mutters, finally reopens his eyes and looks over his shoulder despite the tears biting at his eyes. He's cried in front of Jensen before but it always unsettles him, no matter how amazing Jensen is, how supportive. He hates feeling weak, hates looking weak even more, especially in front of Jensen. Even though he's the one person that Jared knows he doesn't need to hide from, that he _shouldn't_ hide from. 

“Baby, it's fine, okay? Calm down, please?”

“Damnit, Jensen,” Jared huffs, shaking his head, barely noticing the tears trickling down his cheeks. “Don't do that.”

“Don't do what?” Jensen asks softly.

“Don't... Don't just ignore this. Don't just give me a pass like you always do. It's _not_ okay.”

“What'd'ya want me to say, Jared?” Jensen sighs. “Yeah, it sucked and it hurt and I was upset. I won't deny any of that. I _haven't_ denied any of that. But I _know _that you're sorry and I _know_ that you didn't mean it. What good would you getting upset, hashing all this out, really do?” He leans forward, brushes a kiss to Jared's lips, his cheeks, kissing away the tears. “If you wanna talk about it, fine, I'll listen, you know I will. But you don't have to apologize. I don't need it.”__

__“How can you just forgive me like that?” Jared whispers, throat tight with emotion. Jensen's knot has deflated enough for his mate to pull away and Jared can't stop a soft, displeased sound, eyes closing for a moment, hating the loss of that connection more now than he usually does – which is saying something considering how much he hates the empty feeling left behind on a usual basis. Jensen gently rolls him onto his back, scoots close enough to tangle their legs together, one hand cupping Jared's jaw, Jensen's head leaning on the other so he can look down at Jared. He reopens his eyes when Jensen drops a chaste kiss to his lips, their gazes locking. “I treated you like crap,” he continues softly, hoarsely. “And you just shrug it off? I don't get it, Jen,”_ _

__“'cause I love you,” Jensen replies easily, shrugging one shoulder. “And I knew this was gonna be hard on you.”_ _

__“I ran away from you,” Jared rasps. “I've avoided you even after I came back home. I couldn't stand your scent or your touch...” Jared trails off, fresh tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes squeezing closed again, emotions hitting him hard. “How could I...” he chokes out, unable to finish his thought, shakes his head helplessly._ _

__“Baby, please, don't cry?” Jensen murmurs, pulling Jared impossibly closer, tucking his head against Jensen's chest. “It's just your hormones and the effects of your body and your system changing because of her,” he rubs his hand over Jared's stomach and Jared can hear the smile in his voice._ _

__Jared snorts and shakes his head, snuggling closer to Jensen's chest, tilting back enough to nuzzle under his jaw. “Don't remind me,” he mutters._ _

__“What?” Jensen asks softly._ _

__“How my body has changed,” he sighs. “That... That's the worst part, I think. I feel like I have no control, like I'm not me anymore. It scares me,” he whispers._ _

__“You're still you, sweetheart,” Jensen replies easily, tone still soft and soothing. “Deep down, maybe. But it's still there.” He kisses the top of Jared's head, noses through his hair. “I know how much all this scares you,” he continues quietly. “But you're so strong, Jay.” Jared snorts again and Jensen tightens his arms. “I'm serious, baby. Like I said, I _know_ how much it scares you, but you still did it, faced one of your biggest fears to give us _this_ ,” his hand slides over Jared's stomach again, “to give us a family. You amaze me, Jared, every damn day. And if you're a little emotional and a little hormonal and a little crazy,” Jared huffs and pinches Jensen's stomach, smiling at the rumble of Jensen's laugh against his chest, “then so be it. Kinda think you earned the right.”_ _

__“I don't deserve you,” Jared breathes, kissing beneath Jensen's jaw. “ _You're_ the one that's amazing, Jen.”_ _

__“Hush,” Jensen huffs. “We've had this discussion entirely too many times.” He squeezes Jared tight before relaxing his arms, squirming a little so that he' lying down next to Jared, still tangled together. “How 'bout a nap then a shower then a late lunch?”_ _

__“Sounds awesome,” Jared smiles. He pulls his head back enough to look up at Jensen, sighing softly, contently. “I know you don't need it, but I need to say it, okay?” He waits until Jensen nods. “I'm sorry,” he says quietly. “And I love you, so much. Even if I'm having trouble showing it.”_ _

__“I know, sweetheart. I love you, too.”_ _

__For the first time in five months Jared falls asleep in his mate's arms. It's the best sleep he's gotten since before he got pregnant._ _

__******_ _

__Being with Jensen again after five months seems to flip some kind of switch in Jared. He's still uncomfortable and unsettled being pregnant but things with Jensen go almost back to how they used to be. Jared moves back into their bedroom and instead of Jensen's scent making him sick it calms him like it used to and he can't get enough of it. Where Jensen's touch made his skin crawl with the need to claw it off now he craves it, almost to the point of obsession; if Jensen is home Jared _has_ to have his mate's hands somewhere on his body._ _

__He's still unhappy letting Jensen see him naked or letting him touch his stomach. Which is kind of problematic because Jared is horny _all the time_. He could be doing the most boring, mundane thing and one whiff of his mate or one glimpse of him and Jared _has_ to have him._ _

__Jensen doesn't seem to mind the increase in both intimacy and sex – even if at times it's a bit inconvenient – but he does have a problem with Jared's continuing issues with his ever-swelling bump. Jensen's is freaking obsessed with his belly, always touching or kissing, at times when he doesn't think Jared is paying attention, even talking to it._ _

__He's come to terms with having a child, a daughter. But he still hates being pregnant. And all the belly-love in the world from his mate likely isn't going to change that._ _

__For twelve perfect weeks things are mostly normal between them. Aside from Jared's swollen middle._ _

__At thirty-two weeks Jared's nausea comes back, thankfully without all the puking this time. He completely loses the heightened sex-drive, actually loses his libido altogether once again. Jensen's scent goes back to making the nausea worse and he's back to being unable to stand Jensen's touch. His hormones go even crazier, leaving him screaming one moment then sobbing the next and he manages to convince himself once again that it's just a matter of time before Jensen leaves him. He moves back into the spare room, hiding out there or in the mostly finished nursery, unsure why he finds himself gravitating to that room more and more._ _

__He'd started feeling movement – unable to deny that's what it was – the day after his twenty-week appointment. Jensen was able to feel it a few weeks later – which made his mate so undeniably happy. Now he feels it all the time, finds his hand sliding over the swell without consciously realizing it. Which is odd and disconcerting because he'd sworn he was never going to touch it._ _

__During the last eight weeks he is completely miserable, even more so than the first thirty-two combined. He can't get comfortable anywhere and has a lot of trouble sleeping. He needs help to get up – from sitting or lying – which is hard to ask for or accept, especially since he's back to avoiding Jensen as much as possible. His stomach is huge and inconvenient and he swears his daughter is using his insides as a punching bag. He's absentminded and forgetful and his emotions are all over the map, not settling on one for more than a few minutes at a time._ _

__He's so beyond ready for this to be over. He wants to be _himself_ again, so badly it makes him cry just thinking about it. Which makes his mood swing violently toward anger – he's never been one of those weepy, simpering omegas – and then the cycle starts all over again._ _

__He's just fucking _done_. _ _

__The forty-week mark comes... and goes. He's sitting in Gen's office on the exam table, paper gown not doing much to hide anything, his jaw clenched as he growls at Jensen – who made the mistake of trying to comfort him – while he glares at the beta between his spread knees._ _

__“It really should be any day now,” Gen tries to reassure him. “She's already dropped...”_ _

__“The why the hell isn't she coming?” Jared snaps, cutting the doctor off. “I just want her out!”_ _

__“I know, Jared...” Jared growls and Gen holds up a hand. “You're uncomfortable and miserable and _I get it_. But right now we can't do anything. You're only two days past due. If...” she inhales deeply, cringing slightly before continuing, damn-well knowing Jared enough to know he's not going to be happy. “If you get to a week past due we'll induce. I just wanna give you and her a chance to do this on your own.”_ _

__“Is there anything we could do to help speed things along?” Jensen asks softly._ _

__“Walking or spicy foods are said to help. And so is sex, if Jared's up to it.” Jared growls again. He hates when they talk about him like he's not right freaking there. “I just meant that there's a lot going on down there,” she shoots Jared a smile. “You may just be too uncomfortable for sex.”_ _

__He kind of checks out at that point, hearing the sound of Jensen and Gen talking about things but not actually listening, mind already on what he can do to get this crap over with._ _

__Jared tries walking – even though it's more like waddling at this point with how freaking _big_ his belly is – and he tries eating everything spicy he can get his hands on – or well, everything he can talk Jensen into getting _his_ hands on – despite the horrific heartburn and nausea that results but still nothing happens._ _

__He only makes it another two days before he decides to give sex a try. He has absolutely no interest in it other than the hope that it'll finally move things along. He's uncomfortable and miserable and really doesn't feel like doing it but maybe, just maybe, it'll get their daughter in gear._ _

__Even though he _hates_ the way he looks right now, he waits until Jensen goes to bed for the night then sneaks into their bedroom completely naked. The room is dark but there's enough moonlight streaming through the sheer curtains to allow him to see Jensen clearly. Which means that Jensen will be able to see him too but he forces himself to ignore that fact and crawl onto the bed with his mate, knowing that Jensen isn't asleep even though his eyes are closed. _ _

__Jensen rolls onto his back and looks up at him, brow furrowed. “Jay? What's wrong?” he asks softly._ _

__Jared doesn't answer, just dips down and brushes his lips against Jensen's, pleased that the contact doesn't make him want to claw his skin off. He pulls back and stares at Jensen, hoping his mate will get the hint and not make him say it._ _

__He traces his eyes over Jensen's face, down what he can see of his body, trying to find the usual arousal that always comes from looking at Jensen. His mate is still as gorgeous as ever but that usual rush of want and need just isn't there. Aside from those too-short twelve weeks, this pregnancy has completely zapped every bit of his libido._ _

__He's terrified he'll never get it back._ _

__Unfortunately it doesn't seem like Jensen's going to just get it. He just continues to look up at Jared, eyes dark with concern, brow furrowed._ _

__Jared huffs and pushes the sheet down Jensen's body, one hand boldly palming his mate's crotch, fingers flexing against Jensen's soft cock. “Jared?” Jensen asks, eyes wide, scooting away like a scandalized virgin. “What the hell?”_ _

__“Gen said sex might work,” Jared sighs._ _

__Jensen's eyes widen even more, brow raising almost to his hairline. “Are you serious?” he asks incredulously. Jared tries very hard not to be offended. He's not exactly raring to go either._ _

__“Look, I know it's probably the last thing you want, considering I'm the size of a freaking house...”_ _

__“Jay,” Jensen interrupts, sitting up, one hand cupping his cheek, eyes softening. “That's not it. Or even true, sweetheart. You're beautiful.” Jared snorts but Jensen keeps going. “I just... Do you really _want_ to have sex right now?”_ _

__“I _want_ this kid outta me,” Jared snaps. “And if sex will do that, then yeah, I wanna do it.”_ _

__“Are you even remotely turned-on?” Jensen asks softly, unnecessarily. He would be able to smell it if Jared was._ _

__“That doesn't matter,” Jared replies absently. “I don't need to be turned-on for you to fuck me.”_ _

__Jensen's hand falls to his lap and the look on his face is so heartbreaking that Jared feels like crap. “Really, Jared?” Jensen whispers, huffing out a humorless laugh._ _

__Jared's mood swings violently the other way quickly, like it's been doing every other minute for the last few months. Tears fill his eyes and he awkwardly scoots closer, leaning against Jensen, nuzzling under his mate's jaw. “I'm so sorry, Jen,” he whimpers. “I'm just miserable and I want it over with but I shouldn't'a said that, shouldn't'a put that on you.”_ _

__He's crying in earnest now, whole body shaking with barely restrained sobs. Jensen pulls him into his arms, lips pressing to Jared's temple. “Easy, baby,” he murmurs. “It's okay”_ _

__“No it isn't,” Jared half-sobs. “I'm a horrible person...”_ _

__“No you're not,” Jensen coos, rubbing gentle circles at the small of his back. Which feels really good._ _

__He sighs and melts against Jensen's chest, turns his head and buries his nose in the crook of Jensen's neck, catching a whiff of his mate's familiar scent. He waits for the wave of nausea but it never comes. Instead it fills him with warmth and he finds himself pushing closer, lips pressing against Jensen's pulse._ _

__“Jay?” Jensen breathes, hand sliding into his hair._ _

__“Jensen,” Jared moans, scraping his teeth over the flesh he'd been kissing. To his complete and utter surprise, he feels arousal slowly start to course through him, heated blood rushing to his cock, his hole starting to leak._ _

__Jensen fists his fingers in the back of Jared's hair, pulling him back just enough to look into his eyes, questions in that emerald gaze along with growing heat. Jared moans again and leans forward, slamming their lips together. Jensen hesitates just a moment before deepening the kiss, his tongue pushing into Jared's mouth, hand in his hair tipping Jared's head where he wants it. His other hand slides down from the small of his back, over the curve of his ass and Jared mewls, trying to wiggle closer but unable to manage, his stomach in the way._ _

__He pulls away from the kiss with a frustrated whine, clawing at Jensen's back through his thin t-shirt. “Jensen, please,” he begs._ _

__Jensen untangles himself from Jared, completely ignoring the pitiful whine that Jared can't bite back. He palms Jared's cheek for a moment, leans in to press a kiss to his forehead, flashing Jared a smile when he pulls back._ _

__“Can you lay on your back?” he asks quietly._ _

__It's uncomfortable – has been for a while now – and Jensen knows that from the short three months they shared a bed after Jared's belly popped. “For a few minutes, yeah,” Jared nods._ _

__“Okay,” Jensen murmurs, kissing his forehead again. “Lay back, baby,” he urges._ _

__Between the two of them, they get Jared situated on his back. Jensen kneels between his spread legs and strips off his shirt, tossing it over his shoulder. He takes a few long moments to let his gaze move over Jared and he's surprised to see the heat in Jensen's eyes, the obvious length of his cock tenting his thin sleep pants. The reaction is so not what he was expecting that any lingering worry about Jensen seeing him like this just evaporates._ _

__“God, Jay,” Jensen breathes, dipping down, lips grazing the curve of his stomach. “So fuckin' beautiful, sweetheart.”_ _

__Jared doesn't argue or scoff for once, Jensen's lips against the stretched, sensitive skin of his belly knocking all thoughts out of his head aside from _more_ and _now_. _ _

__Jared slides his legs open wider, muscles trembling with the need to thrust up against his mate but unable to. Jensen must sense his frustration because he moves on, kissing his way down to Jared's hip, biting the bone then sliding down further, down to the crease of his thigh. Jared closes his eyes, fingers fisted in the sheets, crying out when Jensen pushes his legs open just the slightest bit more, his tongue circling around Jared's hole. He doesn't tease like he usually does – and Jared's more grateful for that than he can say – licking into Jared's loosening, slick hole, two fingers pushing in next to his tongue, other hand curling around Jared's cock. He strokes Jared hard and fast as he thrusts his fingers in deep, pressing right against his prostate, milking the swollen gland, his tongue circling around Jared's rim and his own fingers, eating Jared out wet and messy. He uses every trick he's learned over the last nearly six years, pushing Jared to the edge, and over, so fast it leaves him dizzy, screaming Jensen's name hoarsely as he comes all over the bottom curve of his stomach and Jensen's hand._ _

__He's panting like he just ran a marathon when Jensen pulls away, his mate's dark eyes meeting his own bleary gaze, Jensen's mouth and chin wet with Jared's slick, his cheeks flushed with arousal. “On your side, baby,” Jensen rasps._ _

__Jared's entire body feels like Jell-O but with Jensen's help, he manages. The mattress shifts as Jensen kicks off his sleep pants and underwear, Jared watching him through barely-open eyes over his shoulder. Jensen settles against his back, brushing a kiss to his lips as he pushes into him, slowly, not stopping until he's buried to the hilt. Jensen slips one arm beneath his neck, hand splayed over his pounding heart, the other arm sliding around his waist, palm curving over the swell of his stomach, holding him close and still, his hips rolling forward, pushing in just the slightest bit deeper. Jared can't stop the low, breathless moan that escapes his lips, the feeling of Jensen pressed so close against his back, strong arms surrounding him, heat of his cock inside Jared, so deep and perfect, makes his head spin, heart thundering in his chest, breath catching in his throat._ _

__“Jensen,” he gasps, eyes fluttering closed, fingers gripping Jensen's wrist, head tipping back against his shoulder._ _

__Jensen presses a kiss to his temple, lips sliding down over his cheek, the cut of his jaw, buries his face in the curve of Jared's neck, lips pressing against his mating scar, not moving, as he starts to roll his hips, slow draw back, pushing in again even slower, deep, long strokes that makes Jared crazy. It's so good, slow and drawn out in a way they've _never_ been with each other and while Jared usually prefers the fast, hard thrusts, the heat and desperation that's usually between them, he can't help but wonder why they've never done this before. It's the best, achingly sweet kind of torture, leaving him shaking and clinging to Jensen, continuous moans and mewls falling from his lips._ _

__He pushes back into each thrust as best as he can but with his stomach and the way Jensen's holding him, his movement is pretty limited. He settles for clenching down around Jensen, every moan and grunt from his mate hitting him in the gut, the sounds sending pulses of heated blood between his legs, his cock already hard and leaking again – maybe still, he can't really even be sure that it even softened after his first orgasm._ _

__Jensen nips at his scar, nuzzles under his jaw and Jared reaches back with his free hand, clawing at Jensen's thigh, fingers digging into the thick, flexing muscle. “Feel so good, baby,” Jensen breathes against his ear, kissing and biting at the sensitive skin beneath. “You okay?”_ _

__Jared makes a soft, strangled noise of agreement, turning his head slightly, offering more of his neck to his mate. Jensen takes the unspoken hint – always so good about knowing what Jared wants, what he needs. “God,” he moans, soft and breathy. “So good, babe.” Jensen angles his hips just right, nailing Jared's sweet spot perfectly on the next thrust and Jared moans again, eyes snapping open as he looks over his shoulder at Jensen. “Oh fuck... Right there, Jen. Right fuckin' there.”_ _

__Jensen keeps the same angle, still rolling his hips slowly and it was good for a while but Jared needs more, heat pooling in his groin, the base of his spine. “More,” he gasps. “Please, Jen. Harder, deeper...”_ _

__Jensen bites down on the meat of his shoulder and drags the hand that was on Jared's stomach down to his thigh, pushing his leg forward just slightly, turning him a little more onto his hip, opening him up just a little more and picks up the pace. Jared cries out and grips the sheet, turning his hips just slightly more toward the mattress, mindful to not roll over onto his stomach. He slides his top leg up, Jensen hooking his arm beneath Jared's knee, thrusting into him faster, deeper, every stroke rubbing over his prostate._ _

__He cries out again, second orgasm crashing into him, untouched cock twitching and jerking, release hitting his stomach, adding to the mess already there. He's barely aware of Jensen pushing in deep, knot swelling quickly, tying them together before the last few weak spurts pulse from him. Jensen moans and carefully drops his leg, pulling him back against his chest, arm sliding back around his waist. Jared lazily turns his head, smiling against Jensen's lips when his mate kisses him._ _

__He dozes off and on, Jensen's fingers tracing over his stomach leaving him sleepy. Once Jensen's knot deflates he helps Jared out of bed and they shower together, Jared's eyes mostly closed as Jensen takes care of cleaning them both up._ _

__He stays in their bedroom with Jensen instead of going back down to the spare room. The smile on Jensen's face when he crawls into their bed makes him feel guilty as hell. His last thought before falling asleep with Jensen wrapped around him is that he'd stupidly thought the sex would send him right into labor. He's kind of glad it didn't when he feels Jensen's lips against the back of his neck._ _

__Four hours later, in the middle of the night, the first contraction wakes Jared._ _

__Here they go._ _

__******_ _

__Jared doubles over, groaning through another contraction. Why had he been in such a damn hurry to get to this point again?_ _

__Jensen rubs one hand across the top of his back and Jared just barely resists punching him, not that he'd have the energy or the strength. Maybe just kick him out of the room._ _

__Labor for however many hours it's been – he lost track a while ago – has turned him into every horrible cliché. He screams at Jensen then in the next second sobs and clings to him, begs him to make it _stop_. Like always, Jensen is a trooper through everything that Jared throws at him, calm and loving and supportive. He’s not sure how long it ends up taking but eventually he screams and cries and pushes with all the strength he can muster and brings their daughter into the world._ _

__The first loud cry from the tiny, squirming bundle in Gen’s arms shoots through Jared like a bolt of lightning._ _

__There are drying tears on Jared's cheeks and his throat is sore from screaming and every muscle in his body feels like it has been ripped apart when Jensen lays their crying daughter on his chest. He swallows thickly and looks down at her, blinking owlishly, not sure how six pounds nine ounces could feel so heavy on his chest, against his heart. Jensen makes a soft noise and Jared's eyes flick up to his, surprised to see tears pooling in his mate's eyes._ _

__“Jen?” he rasps._ _

__“She's perfect,” Jensen whispers, flashing Jared a smile. “ _You're_ perfect. I love seeing her in your arms.” He dips down and kisses Jared's sweaty forehead then the soft tuft of light brown hair on the top of their daughter's head. “I've been looking forward to seeing you hold her for what feels like forever.”_ _

__Jared smiles and leans a little closer to his mate, his eyes fluttering closed. All the crap he'd been told about every horrible moment of pregnancy and labor just magically not mattering at this moment is a whole bunch of shit. Pregnancy and labor still sucked _so_ freaking hard. But holding his daughter while Jensen holds both of them, he can agree that it was at least worth it._ _

__Mostly._ _

**Author's Note:**

> This series is now complete.


End file.
